Making Changes In My Marriage, But No Change In Outcomes

My wife and I have had a dead bedroom going on 5 years. Essentially since we’ve been married. Prior to marriage (when our life was easier) we had sec regularly. A few times a week. Our sex is fantastic. I spent a lot of time in our early relationship working out exactly what she likes and what she wants because I always wanted her to feel real pleasure and enjoy sex everytime we had it.

After marriage life got hard. My mom passed suddenly, we had our first child, her dad passed, we’ve moved to a new city, and things got super hectic and emotional. This killed our bedroom for years. I would have preferred to keep some level of intimacy through all of this (intimacy helps me regulate my emotions, and feel secure in my relationship and life). But my wife didn’t have the same desire (plus there was the 6-9 months post child birth where we both wanted her to be fully healed and had an infant)

Things have finally slowed down and we are back to our normal routines and life feels “balanced” again. So I have been pursuing my wife again and more frequently. The answer is always a firm no. No matter how I attempted initiation I was always met with rejection. This turned into to constant talks about sex and frequency and intimacy. She told me that she feels pressure from me to be intimate and that she just doesn’t feel like being intimate very much anymore. That the last few years have destroyed her sex drive and that it’s not me it’s her. I asked her if it was just me pressuring her (which I was doing unintentionally, I desire my wife and I want to make love with her. I didn’t mean to make it feel like she has an obligation) and she said that that’s the big thing for her now and that if I could stop always taking kissing or touching to mean that sex would happen then it would help her relax and want sex more.

So the for the last 6 months I have completed stopped all sexual initiation. I’ve begun doing more hand holding, light kisses that have no expectation behind them. I ask her to snuggle when we are watching a show or movie. I lay my head on her shoulder when we are sitting close. When our kid isn’t around I steal a quick make out session that doesn’t linger or lead anywhere. I’ve even changed how I speak to my wife. Ive added more words of affirmation to make sure she is hearing from me how much I love and appreciate her. I made sure that I’m as present as possible. Discussing her day and her emotions. Making sure I’m being active in our life planning, I scheduled us both massages and a dinner date multiple times so we could have some “us” time. I’ve taken over more home responsibilities and opened up more time for her to enjoy her hobbies (which we have always been big on prioritizing - I just want her to feel as though she is getting her cup filled as much as possible).

I guess after making some conscious changes I had really hoped that would open up some space for us to enjoy intimacy again. But I talked to her about it last night and she expressed no interest and just said that life is too much nowadays for her to desire sex.

I don’t know what to do. I love my wife and our life. But without sex I feel so undesired and unwanted and insecure in our relationship. I’m now holding most of that inside so that it doesn’t burden her. But I don’t feel fulfilled and I think she may not care that I feel that way? That makes me very worried and sad.

Anyways. Idk what I’m expecting my posting this. Just thinking out loud I guess.