Anxiety is miserable

I have a therapist, but I just need to vent. I hate this. So much.

I had a seemingly healthy first pregnancy up until 37w 4d when I went in for my routine appointment and my BP had spiked. Within 24 hours I had developed HELLP and had a c-section. Baby was healthy but it took me a few weeks to recover.

My OB was reassuring I could go on to have a second child and said they’d just monitor me closely. I’m now 25 weeks with my second and I’m miserable. I feel like I have a bomb strapped to my chest. I know I’m extra sensitive, but I’m the past couple weeks I’ve had several bummer encounters with medical staff. I had a random BP spike and ended up in triage (it quickly stabilized and they think it was from the slight stomach bug I had) but that sent my anxiety spiraling.

The nurse in triage told me “oh yeah HELLP almost always happens earlier the second time” and an NP today at my regular appt said “oh yeah it might happen earlier, I’ve even seen it as early as 26 weeks, I know it’s hard because you’re truly putting your life on the line for your baby”

I sat bawling in my car each time. I keep getting conflicting information, zero reassurance, and I leave feeling dumb and overwhelmed.

I requested a MFM referral today. It’s the only thing I can think of that might ease some of my anxiety. I want someone to take me seriously and do more than just terrify me and send me on my way.

Sorry for the rant. I feel trapped in my body and I don’t know what to do. I just want everyone to be safe and I feel powerless.