($20k)I regret having a wedding

Does anyone else have huge regrets about their wedding the closer the date approaches?

I (35f) and my fiance (44m) have been together for 3 years and are getting married later this year. For context: my fiance comes from a gigantic farming family with very old roots in the community. I am a transplant from a different state, I have no deep roots anywhere. My family is scattered across the United States, mostly broken apart due to my parents and grandparents. My siblings and I have only reconnected within the last year and started to build a relationship we never had. None of us live in the same state let alone a time zone. My father ran off when we were teenagers and young adults and my mother died when we were kids. My father is not only excluded from the wedding invitation list, but I would call the police if he showed up. That's the kind of situation there.

My fiance's family does not have this kind of drama. They all spend holidays together and are really there for each other in times of crisis, but their dynamic is cold and detached. My fiance (let's call him Christian) has expressed some deep emotional wounds of feeling like the forgotten child as he grew up. He is the middle of three boys. They have a much younger sister who accidentally came along. She is a change of life baby. We will call her Birdy. She is quite a bit younger than me. Birdy has a very close relationship with her mom that I think Christian was a but resentful of, but has come to accept there will always be a distance between his mother and himself.

His mother (let's call her Angel) is a sweet person. She is what most women would probably want for an ideal mother in law. She has NEVER ONCE pressured me in anything wedding related or our life in general. She is kind to me at family gatherings and came to visit me at home when I was recovering from a life threatening illness.

Now down to the meat and potatoes of the story. Birdy got married a few years ago and it was a wonderful celebration, but she really cost her parents a fortune. It was hard to see where a lot of that cost went due to the simple nature of the elements and the very poor food quality. It was a beautiful wedding and the party was a blast! But the majority of the cost turned out to be that literally every small task was outsourced to the point that the bride didn't even take the invitations to the post office herself, she just passed a list along to a full service planning agency. BUT this is exactly what she wanted. And her day was perfect and exactly the way she wanted. Birdy and Angel spent a lot of money on convenience. They went shopping together and they had lunches and coffees and they enjoyed all of the typical mother daughter planning wedding stuff.

I don't have a living mother, or grandparents. I don't have any aunts or uncles that I would have this kind of relationship with. Christian and I decided that since some of my extended family was coming to the wedding we should give his parents a heads up about the elephant in the room regarding my father and my mother. I did not want them to find out about the circumstances of my relationship with my father or my mother's death AT THE WEDDING which I know with 100% certainty would have happened due to my aunts/uncles/cousins intense fixation on the abuse and criminal acts that occured. They use every gathering to rehash it all, even though they were not around when it happened, did not step in to help, and kept their distance from all of us kids once my mother died.

Christians parents were very grateful we gave them a heads up and agreed it would have caused them quite the shock to find out at the wedding. I thought maybe this would have shed some light for his mother on the fact that I am literally alone in this wedding (Christian is a huge help. But he is not my mom, grandma, or a maternal figure). I had hoped maybe his sister and mother would want to get together for some of the shopping or pretend to work on wedding crafts while we just sit and have coffee or literally anything. I realized today that door will always be closed.

There have been some events that have occurred that make me think Angel is only comfortable/willing to engage with me when Birdy is not around. She has even stated at a family dinner out at a restaurant once that "since Birdy is in the bathroom I can come chat with you for a bit on this end of the table" but when Birdy returned she said "oh well Birdy is back now So i better go".

Birdy invited me to her bridal shower, and I had only met her once at that time. I took the day off work. Spent a few hours scouting her registry to buy the perfect gift and drove out to the shower where I didn't know anyone. I sat with some of her extended family and had a good time! She thanked me for the gift. At Birdy's wedding although I had been living with her brother for a year, I was not included in any of the photos. It obvious hurt my feelings watching everyone get up and take pictures with her when they were called, but I could also understand that since I was not married to her brother yet she may see a dividing line. I did not tell anyone my feelings were hurt, but as we were leaving the reception Birdy yelled at me " you two are next!".......I don't know why that added to the hurt, but it did. If she knew we were next why did she not want me in just one photo with her? It was awkward because we were at the church early for these picture and it was very weird sitting in the pew watching them get called up one at a time while was the only one sitting down. But....her wedding her rules. I tucked my feelings on this away.

I invited Birdy to my bachelorette party. A simple (hosted by me) bbq in my backyard with some fun cocktails and a river float. She told me she had to work that weekend but would see if she could switch with someone to have that one off. I never heard back. I needed the final headcount for the boat rental, and so I reached out. She informed me she had a tennis tournament and couldn't make it. The message where she previously stated she would try to switch weekends was the last thing she had texted before this. I could clearly see both reasons on the same screen.

Angel on the other hand has not had much more interest. I tried to show her my dress (hand sewn by me) and she told me she felt like she should have bought me my dress since I don't have a mother to do it. This warmed me a little because she recognized the absence I must feel right? Well, that was literally the only time she has said anything about the entire wedding production at all. I have tried to text her pictures of Christian in his suit, I have tried to bring pictures of the elements we chose to show her or ask her thoughts on things. She doesn't have any interest in what we do at all.

Our budget has been increased by 10k because we had originally planned for a 200 person wedding TOPS. We bought items for the guest count (napkins, linens, flatware, dinnerware) that we could afford for that number even though it was a bigger cost per guest. After this, his parents (who we had given 150 seats to fill with their own guests) demanded 250 seats total! We had to raise the guest count by 100 more people! This meant that we had to shell out a higher per guest average for 100 more people! This was crazy expensive in the end and the food, coffee bar, table setups, etc was all increased.

His parents have offered to pay, but it was important to Christian and I that we don't cost them an arm and a leg. We were able to afford what we did so we took that cost on, but we were it happy about it. And before you tell me we should have been more firm with his parents about the guest list, just know that was a whole other debacle that we really did try to do. In the end we caved because we tried to maintain a good relationship with them and we understood their reasons. They asked to pay for the open bar (we weren't planning on having an open bar) and the rehearsal dinner. We agreed.

My regret is I feel like all of the beautiful and sentimental things I have handcrafted for this wedding and poured so much of myself into to make it feel more like a big family dinner party rather than a catered rubber chicken gala will be unappreciated. My small amount of invited guests will love them I know. But I feel more like I am planning and paying for a party for someone else now. I don't think anyone but me, my fiance, and my small family will care.

My bridesmaid asked me about a bridal shower. I'm not having one because nobody wanted to throw me one. She said she wished she could throw me one but she can't afford it. I completely understood. I have purchased all the bridal party outfits myself because I have tried to make this wedding as low inconvenience for people as I could. I didn't care about the "shower of gifts" I wanted the shower for the companionship and the community experience. I have never felt so alone and outside the circle than I do now. I know I will always be on the outside looking in with his family. Christian says he feels that way too. But at the end of the day, Christian was the one who had to pin the Hem of my dress (I out a black garbage bag on with a hole cut out for my head so he couldn't see it) because none of the women in my life were willing to take time to do it. (I didn't expect it to be perfect. I just needed the guidelines. I could fix any mistakes in the pinning myself) Nobody has even wanted to come see my beautiful hand sewn silk dress.

My sister and brother can't. They live so far away but they are coming for the wedding. But the community I have here nearby seems like I might not be a part of it at all.

I wish I had just eloped. The closer it gets to the wedding the more depressed, alone, and complete despair I feel. I wanted the family, not just the man. I am fortunate to have a wonderful man and I know we will make our own family. But I wanted the happy experience.

I can't stop crying.