Unusual numbness

Well after this breakup 3 weeks ago I’ve been pretty miserable and sad. I’ve cried, had anger, ruminated over everything 24/7, talked about it with a bunch of people, but have also found some fun and joy in things. I’ve been able to laugh and distract myself and learn that I don’t need that person from my happiness. It’s been 30% good, and 70% bad. But then I had a really rough night and morning, and I texted her for the first time asking if she wanted to get a beer. She said probably not this weekend but maybe next and I just left it there.

I don’t want to meet with her or say anything else. I had a moment of weakness where I felt compelled to explain things to her even though she’s the one who treated me like crap, I blamed myself for her doing that.

Anyways, since that text I sent, even though she texted back and kind of agreed, I have felt so numb, and depressed. I don’t even have feelings towards the breakup now or anything. I wake up and stare at my ceiling in bed. I don’t even ruminate or think about her, I just think about how I feel nothing, how there’s not a single thing that sounds fun or would be enjoyable and that I don’t know what to do.

I’m not sure why or how this happened so suddenly. I was really heartbroken and struggling, but I had hope and there were things that brought me joy and I’d get random spikes of motivation and optimism about life etc, but all that suddenly disappeared and I don’t feel anything. I’m not sad, I’m not happy, I don’t want to do anything but I don’t want to do nothing.

I will say I regretted sending that text right away and have no desire to meet with her or talk, but I was really hard on myself after and just felt like I ruined all my healing and the hard work I put into no contact and moving on. Something flipped in my brain after that and now I just feel empty and hopeless.