Is it normal feeling like it’s easier to be hurt?

No matter what in my life happened or not, it’s always feels like only scream and pain can force to do anything.

I was never smart or even talented to begin with. I am moron who only ever could start doing anything under mom screaming and beating me.

I don’t care about my life, I have no desire or plans.

I get kicked out of medschool on 3rd year.

I couldn’t care less, yet I still cry and beat myself till blood for this.

Sometimes I think, maybe it if I had physical pain instead of mental one, I would be better off?

I don’t even want to try. I hate for who I am, so ashamed of what a depressed piece of shit I am.

Yet I can’t force myself to do anything that isn’t my desire.

And I know I won’t get any answer as usual. But please, leave anything. Anything. So I would at least know I do exist currently. And still alive. Why no one comments my cry for help?