i am delusional and i hallucinate

i don’t know what’s wrong with me. i know im mentally ill, ive been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and adhd, but nothing explains the delusions and paranoia i experience.

since i was a kid, ive been drawn to death and true crime and the occult. i didn’t even like it. it scared me but i couldn’t stay away, and i still can’t stay away from horror. even though it makes me paranoid and delusional at times.

i’m on so much medication. i’m okay with that. i don’t feel like a robot or anything, im quite literally the happiest i’ve ever been in my life. but sometimes i think back when i was a kid and realize i should’ve said something.

i remember hallucinating a lumberjack with an axe near my bathroom when i was 11. it was a shadow hallucination, and i wasn’t sleepy, i wasn’t asleep and then woke up and saw this, i was just home alone and terrified. i could stare straight at it and still see him. i don’t see him anymore though.

when i was a little kid up until i was in middle school, i had severe delusions (before i was on any medication). i was literally terrified that my mom, every time she left the room, would come back to me and shoot me with a gun. she’s not violent, she’s not abusive, she’s a great mom. but i was terrified of her.

i also remember that a serial killer had the same name as a boy in my class and i was literally convinced that he was a reincarnation of the killer and would kill me.

i don’t hear voices. the one time i ever heard a very clear voice was jaffar from aladdin saying “hello” directly behind me. but he wasn’t there and i wasn’t scared, i was just confused.

i’ve had literal psychosis before. for about an hour i was convinced i wasn’t human and i had special powers, my mom was an imposter trying to kill me, and my devices like my ipad and phone were watching me. unfortunately i still believe that cameras are in my house and watching me, recording me and live streaming to the dark web. i try not to let it get to me but the fear is there. i ignore it like my therapist said but it’s still there.

up until i was in middle school, i had a delusion that the entire ceiling, no matter what building i was in, would collapse on me and i would die. i would constantly look for the least painful way to die in every room i walked into.

i believed that people were out to get me and would kill me. i would go to sleep terrified every night and i couldn’t sleep without a nightlight until i was in high school.

in 9th grade, my psychiatrist lowered one of my medications, and i had a really bad paranoid episode that landed me in the hospital. my history teacher said that history repeats itself because hitler said make germany great again, which an italian man said before him, and then trump was saying it. i don’t know how it escalated but within 2 hours i was in the counselors office begging for my life because i was absolutely convinced the school was gonna get shot up and i was going to die. this is NOT political post, i don’t want to talk about politics, im just sharing what started the spiral.

i didn’t really have hallucinations as a kid, like stereotypical voices telling me to hurt people or eyes following me, but i think ive hallucinated people under my bed before.

i still hallucinate but its just smells now. i threw up in my bathroom a few weeks ago, and despite cleaning my entire bathroom and burning candles, i still smell it and it’s so gross. my mom and brother said there is literally no smell. i also imagined a really bad odor coming from my bathroom sink and drain, but nothing was ever there. i also imagined spoiled milk smells.