Me (48M) trying to find a way to discuss personal interaction with my wife (45F)

TL;DR - My wife has taken my every attempt to start a discussion on how we can improve our interpersonal interaction as an attack against her. I have tried several approaches and times for discussion and gotten consistently similar results, and I don't know how to better my approach if we can't discuss this.

I have been with my wife for just under seven years, and we have been married for five. To start, I love my wife very much. She is at most times a very loving and caring person. I feel as though she takes my needs into consideration in a way few other partners have, and I value that very much. But I'm having a lot of difficulty finding a way to discuss our interpersonal interaction - mostly with the intent of improving my approach - and not have it be interpreted by her as an attack or judgment on how she failed. So far, every attempt has ended in a more agitated emotional state than I was going for.

Without getting into too many details, my wife has had an extremely turbulent upbringing. Her parents divorced when she was just a year old, and they've had an acrimonious parenting relationship ever since. Each family had wild expectations for my wife that were impossible to meet, and she was punished her for not meeting them. Words were weaponized - she was weaponized as well - and so, for my wife, the way things are stated hold extra weight for her compared to the intent behind them.

By contrast, my parents divorced but stayed polite for the kids's sake, and the intent behind words was parsed as more important than the words themselves.

This different experience has resulted by this point in many, many discussions where I'm trying to approach the topic calmly; my intent is to not escalate emotion during the discussion; and yet we end up not discussing improvement because my wife gets agitated despite my efforts and we have an argument instead.

For the first few years we were together, when my wife had something to say about how something I did or said made her feel, I assumed we were having a discussion about the incident, not a sit-in where she needs me to hear how it made her feel. And every time I would respond to defend or explain myself, it would just escalate things. It got to the point where we were having arguments and I frequently didn't understand how they were becoming arguments.

I have since learned that when things get emotionally intense for my wife, which is often, the expectation (unsaid, I had to work this out) is that my role is just to let her vent and do nothing but make supportive noises and responses, even if what she says is hurtful toward me. It's an effective de-escalation technique, but for me these aren't conversations at all as much as emotional management situations, and I don't feel very fulfilled or heard after de-escalation happens.

This is fine for most things, I guess - it's what my wife seems to need. But when it comes to interpersonal interaction, even if it's just people-living-together stuff like discussing chores and such, for me it needs to be a discussion. If it's found that I am being deficient in my behavior or approach, I need feedback on whether what I change is actually leading towards improvement. And being unable to have these discussions is leaving me feeling like I can't express how I feel, or that my intent behind trying to have the discussion is being invalidated because of the emotional agitation it causes my wife.

Like I said, I love my wife very much. When she isn't emotionally agitated, we have a very good relationship. But now, recently, I'm starting to feel resentment persisting after each interaction where she gets to be heard and I don't. My tendency in these kinds of situations is to withdraw completely, and I really don't want to do that with my wife.

I guess my question is: For people in similar relationships, do you have any advice or suggestions on how I might defuse this sensitivity when I try to have these kinds of discussions?