How do you find community and make friends after years of trying?

I'm almost to the point of giving up. Last weekend I kept having intrusive thoughts about swallowing my whole bottle of pills. I'm 35, and I do not have any true friends. All I have is my boyfriend. And being with him is starting to exasperate the feelings of loneliness, because I know he's all I have. I almost want to break up with him so his presence won't remind me of my loneliness.

I meet people, but they never want to hang out. All the friends I have made have moved away, and I suck at keeping up with them. I just value presence so much that phone calls don't make me feel connected and loved.

I try to do things and go places but I never am able to find connections. I text and get rejected. After so many times of "sorry I can't!" I stop texting.

People like me, but it's all on a very surface level. They don't seem to want to hang out with me. I try so hard to be friendly and open to everyone, but maybe they can sense that something is not right.

I don't know how I can keep living like this. I am reminded constantly of my loneliness, and being able to say, "there's nothing wrong with me, I have autism" isn't working as well as it used to.