Terrified and want to check in to hospital

Tw for self harm and loss of parent mentions.

I have BPD and last night dissociated for six hours after a great day. I had conversations with people and ate dinner and did normal activities. My husband said I seemed a bit manic, but chipper, until I went totally quiet and took a shower and went to bed unusually early. I woke up at 11 with a pounding chest and my face was numb and I became convinced I was having a heart attack. It took 20 minutes of calming me down to help me realize I was ok and it was just a panic attack and dissociative episode.

I have not had dissociative episodes in over 10 years and normally they are triggered by traumatic events and grief or extreme drinking. Last night there was none of this and it happened anyway. I'm terrified because I acted normal too and my husband couldn't tell and he usually takes care of me when I dissociate. I usually become flat and speak in third person if I disassociate, I don't act normal like I did last night.

I just don't know what to do. I took today and tomorrow off work and I have an emergency visit with my therapist at 3pm to see what she thinks. I honestly want to check into the hospital because Friday is my dad's birthday and I am still grieving him and I don't know if anniversary trauma this will happen again. I don't know if the hospital would even take me or if they'd let me stay through Friday. I am terrified of this happening again and me potentially hurting myself or someone else. I am scared of what could happen if it happens when I'm alone or driving.

I'm mostly worried about hurting myself while dissociative even though I'm not actively suicidal. I have a history of self harm and my most brutal self harm happened once in college while I was in a dissociative episode. My leg never looks the same after that night and I don't even remember doing it or being taken by ambulance to the ER where they did nothing besides stitch it up and send me home with my roommate (needless to say she moved out). I am just so fucking terrified. I hate this shit. I thought I was past these. I've been working so fucking hard of myself and in therapy and now this huge setback.

I am so tired and scared.