i can’t tell if i am disordered or just dieting

sooo i have been “weird with food” since the beginning of 8th grade. i couldn’t avoid lunch and dinner with my parents, so i just made sure to have small portions and avoided a big breakfast or snacks. i lost a good amount of weight once i started estimating the calories in said meals. i wasn’t STARVING, but i felt so much anxiety about food and exercise! this only got worse with time; now, almost 4 years later, i feel more in control over my food intake since i only have dinner with my parents (except for when im on vacation and it all gets extremely stressful again). i keep my intake low, but not ED low, just like a serious diet, although i do overeat and go to maintenance (or a few hundred cals over) once or twice a week :(.
this all would sound very normal if it weren’t for my mindset around food: i get super anxious about it, i get really mad when my parents use too much oil or force me to eat when im at my cal limit, i plan my mealtimes so i can avoid eating w my family. i can barely get myself to eat when i am around strangers and i hate eating out and obsessively- OBSESSIVELY- estimate the calories, researching from multiple sources online . ive tried IF, fasting, chewing A LOT, and this winter i’ve struggled with b/p and ive c/s a bunch of times. i am big on the gym as well.
idk what to do since i have all of the mental part of an ed but none of the actual physical effects since my intake is still relatively high. i dont want to seek any kind of help as i have a couple more kgs to lose haha.