After coming out, I feel like I have to prove I’m still someone my parents can be proud of

I don’t really know what I’m looking for by posting this. Maybe I just need to know if anyone else has felt this way.

I’m the youngest in my family. I have straight A’s, take all AP classes, do online school, and I’m about to start college classes. I work really hard because I genuinely care about school, but also because I want my parents to be proud of me.

The problem is that no matter how hard I try, it feels like nothing changes. My parents tell me they’re proud of me, but it feels like I get the same reaction no matter what I accomplish. Sometimes it even feels like I get less recognition than my siblings, even though I’ve put so much pressure on myself to do everything “right.”

I came out as gay to my parents, and they’re very religious. Ever since then, I’ve felt like I’ve been trying to prove that I’m still someone they can be proud of. I know they say they love me, but I keep feeling like I have to earn their approval by being perfect.

Meanwhile, my siblings have all dated people, and I haven’t. They seem to move from relationship to relationship, while I struggle to get attached to anyone at all. Sometimes I wonder if there’s something wrong with me because I don’t experience things the same way they do.

The hardest part is that I don’t know how to explain any of this in real life. Every time I try to talk about my feelings, it feels like I say the wrong thing or people misunderstand me. I don’t want to be the favorite. I don’t want special treatment. I just want to feel appreciated for the effort I put in instead of feeling like nothing I do is ever enough.

Has anyone else grown up feeling like they had to earn appreciation instead of just receiving it? If you have, how did you deal with it?