I (19M) struggle heavily to open up to people, even those I’m close to. It makes me feel emotionally distant from everyone.

I (19M) have always felt like I’ve struggled woth emotions. I am capable of feeling them but rarely do I express them, especially around anyone I don’t already know very well. The only exception is my few very close friends that I can even confide in for highly personal things (feelings, past mental health struggles, stuff I wouldn’t even tell my parents.) I am very grateful for the people that I do have, but it becomes apparent that I just happen to be lucky I’ve already befriended them and opened up to them as now I struggle to make any new friends, or just struggle to be comfortable with myself around new faces.

I sort of came to this realization when I went off to university for my first year this past fall—I was able to make surface-level acquaintances and hung out with some people outside of classes, but very minimal stuff. I also kind of shut myself off from my roommates—maybe we weren’t compatible, but I still felt like a closed book. Admittedly I would never really initiate plans, and often times I still don’t with my current friendships. I know it’s a bad flaw to have.

I have had several talks with my parents about mental health including coming out which went well, but everything feels very separated. I don’t have any relationship with my brothers that involves talking about emotions or even really doing anything together (outside of going to the gym with my older brother.) I rarely bring up my own hobbies. I feel bothered when someone enters my personal space, and I love alone time, too much for my own good (I tend to isolate and dip down into depression and back up frequently.) I have considered talking to a therapist but I have always had this anxiety around telling a stranger things I wouldn’t tell anyone else. It’s just scary to me, that’s all I can say about it.

I have sat on these issues for a long time (about 6 years now) and they have gotten to the point where I am constantly thinking about how socially inept I am, and how that is going to ruin my future. These thoughts upset me enough to start developing serious suicidal thoughts that I could only describe to my parents as wanting to try and leave my life the way I want it before I check out, and their worrying along with their support was both reassuring and even more damaging I think. I also would think about how my brothers seemed to have found their places in the world, made new friends effortlessly and are just unapologetically themselves, meanwhile I just feel awkward and like I’m hiding myself from everyone.

I leave for my second year at university in a few weeks and my parents have already voiced their concern to me about my tendency to isolate and my struggles to make friends. I’m tired of being a coward and dwelling on my own bad headspace when I never do anything to help myself. I’ve always been a shy person since I was a toddler, but I can’t keep being this person. I’m just hoping maybe something will be different this time. I really do want to be able to open up and have a meaningful relationship with people.