Never got my chance to vocalize my dissociation.

I dissociated all throughout my childhood and don’t remember much through the first 18 years of my life. By the time covid hit, it got so much worse. It felt like I would just “tap out” of reality and it made it difficult remembering information. I’m not diagnosed, but dissociation is the only thing I could link it to. Something changed whenever I enlisted and left my hometown. I haven’t dissociated at all starting from the moment I got on the plane to go to boot camp. Sometimes it gets frustrating because I can’t dissociate anymore no matter how I try lol. Looking back on how exhausting it was, there was always a little bit of comfort knowing that I had an opt out anytime life got hard. Has anyone else felt this way? Is there anyone to talk about this further? I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting and figured I’d make a post and reach out.