I can't leave him. He's my soulmate. But some nights it’s hell.

I'm in a relationship that feels like it exists in two worlds.

In one world, he's everything I've ever wanted. He's not a trained Dom, but he's natural at it like he was born knowing how to read me, how to hold me, how to take me to places I didn't know existed. We met randomly through mutual activity, and from the start, something clicked. He spoils me. Gifts, attention, words that feel like they reach into my soul and speak to something I didn't even know was there. On his good days, he's gentle, warm, and amazing. I'm convinced he's my soulmate.

Then there are the other nights. The ones where he switches into something else. And those nights are hell.

He surprised me recently with something intimate. I won't go into detail, but it was something I never would have agreed to if he'd asked. He didn't ask. He just… did it. I panicked at first. My body froze. But he held me through it, stayed present, kept me grounded. And eventually I liked it. I hated that I liked it. But he knew. He knew that if he'd asked, I would have blocked it. So he didn't ask. He just acted. And he was right.

That's the part that messes with my head. He's always right. He's 20 steps ahead of me. He reads me so well that sometimes I feel like I don't even need to speak he already knows what I'm going to say, what I'm going to do, what I'm going to feel before I've even felt it. It's beautiful and terrifying all at once.

I'm a switch. I have my own dominant energy, and he's amazed by it, surprised by how naturally I can take control. We flow together. We balance. But then something happens. After intimacy especially the deep, intense kind I pull back.

Not because I don't love him. Because I feel too much and I don't know how to hold it. I need days to recover. To breathe. To feel like myself again.

And that's when the switch flips.

He gets angry. He yells. He swears. He tells me I'm avoiding him, that I'm playing games, that I only want him when it's convenient. He calls me out on my patterns, and he's usually right. But the way he says it cuts deep.

He tells me I don't communicate, that I withdraw, that I'm not present. And he's not wrong. But I'm trying. I'm changing. Slowly. For him. For us. And sometimes it feels like the change doesn't even count.

Last night, he was frustrated. He swore at me, told me I only want to be with him when I feel like it, that I've been avoiding him for days. I was quiet. I didn't know how to defend myself without making it worse.

I've been anxious for days. My sleep is a mess.

The butterflies I used to feel with him have gone quiet. Not because I don't love him. Because my body stopped feeling safe enough to have them.
I'm scared. I'm scared that the version of me who loved him freely is fading. And I'm scared that if it does, I won't know how to get her back.

He says he wants me to be open, to communicate, to let him in. But when I do when I tell him I'm struggling it often feels like it's turned against me. Like my vulnerability becomes another point in his argument.

I don't know how to break this cycle. I love him. I can't imagine leaving him. But I also can't keep feeling like I'm losing myself every time we get close. Specially those nights.

I don't know if I need advice, or just to know I'm not crazy.

TL;DR: He's my soulmate, reads me perfectly, and spoils me. But after intimacy, I withdraw to recover. He gets angry, swears, and makes me feel like I'm failing. I'm scared I'm losing the part of me that loved him freely.