can’t express myself “correctly” (if at all)

Hi, all. I’m well aware that this rant has some deeper psychological implications (and I am seeing a therapist for this exact reason), but I just need to get the words out. Any advice, suggestions, or support is gladly appreciated.

I’ve been drawing my entire life, and for the past two years I’ve been studying animation. I graduate soon, and I’m the most skillful I’ve ever been.
Never in my life has it been this impossible for me to create.

I struggled with art for a long, long time; to be frank, I’m still terrible at “making” art. Originally, my dream was to start out animating and designing merchandise for independent musicians, then to branch out onto my own original projects.

But I just don’t know anymore. It just feels like nothing I create has any value. My work will never be groundbreaking or revolutionary, and I’m too much of a coward to make the art I really want to make. Not that there’s an audience for it.

It’s like, I’ve become so focused on what my audience “wants”, I’ve completely lost sight of what I actually want to create. I’ve always made art for others: to impress, or to entertain.

Now, I just feel so burnt out. I feel completely hollow.

After speaking with a professor of mine, I got some advice that’s really stuck with me: “You set your expectations too high.”

It’s so strange. Logically, I know that my perfectionism is ruining my life, and that my insane expectations for myself only exacerbate my feelings of anxiety and worthlessness.

But the only reason why I’m as good at art as I am now is BECAUSE I pour EVERYTHING into it. Making art has never been intuitive or particularly enjoyable to me. My gut instinct is ALWAYS to just “try harder”. Work harder, work longer, be more productive, hold yourself to a higher standard, do more studies, take on another project…

I have never been so productive. I have never been so skillful. I am completely miserable.

I feel like I’m trapped behind someone else’s eyes when I’m trying to make art. I can’t create honestly, because I’m too busy censoring myself as I do. Upstairs, it’s all just what people will think of it, how it’ll be misconstrued, how it’s derivative and trite …

It’s all too much. My friends have told me to take a break, but I’m beyond terrified that if I stop making art now, I’ll never make art again. What if I lose the remaining passion forever?

This goes double for storytelling. Believe it or not, I actually used to be BEYOND passionate about storytelling. (It was a way for me to process things without knowing I was doing so- guess what became equally impossible as soon as I realized that’s what I was using it for?) Now, I just don’t think I’m built for it. Creating is just too much for me. I cannot express (go figure!) just how completely and utterly worthless I feel. I don’t want to express this. I don’t want to feel this.

I don’t know how to “make for me” anymore. I don’t know if I can, and I don’t even know if I want to.

Ironically, my immediate “solution” to this…? You guessed it- make art about it! But I can’t express myself correctly. It’s like, I can’t even think of a way to portray my feelings, because I’m too busy thinking of how my emotions will be judged. Every time I have tried to express myself, my feelings have been ignored, weaponized against me, or (the vast majority of the time) constantly, constantly misunderstood.

I don’t even know what my emotions are anymore. I don’t know what’s right or wrong anymore. I don’t know what to do. It’s ruining my life.

The worst part? I know that I’m capable of so much more than this. I know I’m a self-made victim of my own perfectionism, but I don’t know how to stop. I just want to stop feeling this way.

I just feel so hopeless. I just want to escape. I don’t know how I’d do so. I don’t even know if I can.
In case it’s not abundantly obvious, I’m not in a great place right now and I’m looking for any support I can get. Any advice or suggestions on how to get out of this are gladly appreciated.