I’m just drifting

To start, I apologize if the title sounds insensitive or offensive I just thought it was funny for the circumstances but to start I 17M have been wanting to end my life since last year but I’ve been able to get a job recently (it was just to enjoy wtv I wanted before I did it) like 2-3 months ago and honestly it kinda ruined my chances because either it’s a family member who needs to be given a gift or there’s something I need to buy like food or repairs in the house. I’m not mad at the extra responsibility but i just wanted it to be easier to do it, I know I should try to I wanna believe things will get better but things haven’t, I’ve tried to tell people I need professional help and that I’ve wanted to kill myself but people just don’t know have close I’ve so been close. One night, I just so high as high as I could, said my I love you’s and goodbyes and im so sorry if my writing is everywhere I suck at writing but if I can explain the emotion I felt that night I think it could only be described as relief? Like I knew if I’d do it I’d be happy and probably other people but when I held the razor down to a viable vein on my arm I just started feeling/seeing memories and just started crying and went to bed.