Tired. Lost. I see no way out other than pain.

I just need to vent because I honestly don't know where else to say this.

I've been married for almost a decade and I don't think I've ever experienced what people describe as a loving marriage.

There are no hugs. No kisses. No cuddling. No intimacy. No sex. If I try to initiate any kind of affection, I usually get pushed away. After years of this, I don't even try anymore because the rejection hurts every single time.

We are both in our early 30s and have kids. We both work now, although my wife only started working about a year ago. Before that she was a stay at home mom. Throughout our marriage I've always handled the finances. I help with the kids every day. I clean, do laundry, feed the kids, and take care of a lot around the house. I don't do much of the cooking, but I genuinely try to pull my weight everywhere else.

No matter what I do, it never seems to be enough.

I take my family out to eat, plan vacations, buy things for everyone, and try my best to make them happy. My wife, though, never seems happy with me. It feels like I'm constantly failing some test that I don't even know the rules to.

The hardest part is that this isn't something I've kept bottled up.

I've had this conversation with her so many times over the years. Every time she tells me she loves me. She says she's tired, stressed, or that things will get better. I believe her every single time because I want to believe her.

But nothing ever changes.

Now we've reached the point where she doesn't even think this is a problem anymore. To her, everything is normal. Meanwhile I'm sitting here wondering what it feels like to have a wife who actually wants to hug me, kiss me, or simply want to be close to me.

After almost ten years of this, I have absolutely no self confidence left. I feel ugly. Unwanted. Unlovable. The person I want affection from more than anyone else in the world doesn't want to touch me.

People talk about sex as if it's just about physical pleasure. For me it isn't. I miss feeling wanted. I miss being hugged. I miss having someone kiss me because they actually want to. I miss feeling close to my wife.

I'm stuck in this endless loop where I keep trying harder, hoping something will change, and nothing ever does. It's gotten to the point where I feel depressed because the one thing I wanted most from marriage, love and affection from my wife, simply doesn't exist.

People often say men have it easy. I wish they could see what it feels like to give everything you have, financially, emotionally, and physically, and still come home feeling invisible. To do everything you think a good husband and father is supposed to do and still wonder why the person you love won't even hug you.

As a man, I feel defeated. I don't even have the energy or confidence to argue anymore. Whenever I try to explain my thoughts or why I did something, I'm told I'm wrong or that everything is my fault. After years of that, I've mostly stopped trying. It's easier to stay quiet than to have another conversation that goes nowhere.

There are also things involving our kids that have happened over the past year that I don't want to share for privacy reasons. I know they have added stress to our lives, and I understand that. But I can't convince myself that's the reason for our marriage being like this because the first nine years were exactly the same. The lack of affection, the distance, and the feeling of being unwanted have been there almost from the beginning.

I honestly don't know what I'm looking for by posting this because I know what most of you will say. You will want to know the "other side" and find things to blame me for and that's just the sad reality of today's world. A man cannot be right, he has to be wrong no matter what. Honestly sick of everything. if it weren't for my kids, I'd probably do something drastic.