I can't tell if this is RSD or if it's more... Trying not to spiral.

*TL:DR - My BF was pretty unsupportive about something really important to me. It was hurtful and now I'm spiraling. Can't tell if it's RSD or a legit issue. We have talked about it, and he's taking some time to think about his behaviour. But in the meantime my brain is now on a loop searching for everything that's wrong with the relationship and constantly going "And another thing!.." Trying not to implode my relationship while feeling dysregulated. Gentle advice welcome.*

Hi all. I am so sorry this is such a long ramble. I'm wrestling with a relationship problem that's taking me on some weird thought loops and I would appreciate some gentle advice from women who's brains work similarly to mine.

My (39F) BF (45M) is a genuinely kind man. He can occasionally be a bit thoughtless but is usually remorseful for any hurt caused. I've never seen any reason to believe he's being malicious or acting unkindly on purpose. With that said, lately I've been noticing what I feel like are some disparities in the emotional reciprocity and attunement between us.

I'm diagnosed AuDHD. He's also suspected AuDHD (not diagnosed, but his autism is quite obvious). We have some mutual interests which we initially bonded over as friends before we started dating and still engage with together. However when it comes to my interests and relational needs outside of the things that he's also into, he seems just kind of... Uninterested and avoidant. And it's hurtful because I always make an effort to take an enthusiastic interest in the things he's interested in, even if they're not my thing. His interests are never irrelevant to me because he's not irrelevant to me. To me, a huge part of being loved is being seen and known. That means having your person want to be a part of, understand, and engage with your world rather than just be a casual spectator. I understand that part of autism is sometimes having a flat affect and limited surface display of emotions. But... If feels like more than that to me and I can't work out if this is just me having an RSD freakout or if this is a legitimate issue.

I'm a member of a community music group. We occasionally put on performances and concerts every 4-5 months. It's also an active and inclusive social community which is really special to me and has supported me through a lot (it also features lots of ND folks!)

When we have one of these events it's always nice to see all our players come together and also get to know their family members, friends, partners etc who come along to support them. I've invited my partner along on two occasions. Despite everyone being really warm and welcoming and wanting to engage with him, it's like he can't wait to leave. Now, before you say it's social anxiety, I have seen him in other social situations involving groups of people which he's never met, and he behaves differently. Especially if there's some link to his interests.

This situation with came to a head just before my music group's latest event this past weekend which was the second one I'd invited him to. It was an outdoor daytime community event with various performances thought the day and workshops etc happening, as well as hanging out with my music friends in between. He'd known about it for weeks but the night before, only after I asked him what time he'd be coming, he told me he was only arriving just in time to watch me play my set then was leaving because the music was noisy and overstimulating. The thing is, the music performances were spread out around a large park and it was very easy to stand or sit back away from the stages where the music could barely be heard. He's also been a regular Latin music dancer for many years and the music was in a similar vein in terms of tempo and layers etc. So while I don't want to diminish the validity of his autism and overstimulation being a thing, I was confused by this and it felt to me more like an excuse to leave. It also grated on me that he referred to our music as "noise". One of my fellow player's husband is also autistic and has an issue with the volume when standing close enough to take videos of her playing with us, but he and I spoke aat our previous concert and, told me about the loop earplugs he'd gotten so that he can still be involved. But my partner didn't consider ways he might be able to compromise in order to engage. His answer to this was apparently just to leave.

I tried to explain to my partner I hadn't only invited him because of my performance (which was only an hour out of the 6 hour event), but also because I wanted us to spend time with my friends from the community together. He said I hadn't been clear that was the intention which frustrated me. He's also invited me to several social things involving groups of his friends who I've never met, to do activities I'm not interested in. I've always been expected to understand it's not about the activity, but the fact he wants me to get to know his friends. I've never once said I'll come to do the activity only then leave. So I didn't understand why it's a different rule for me that I need to spell it out to him. When I pointed this out to him he even acknowledged that was true. The conversation ended abruptly because I could feel myself getting upset and needed to be addressed when we were both calm.

The next day, the day of the event, he did exactly as he said he would. Came for two hours, watched my performance then left. He spoke to none of my music friends, several of whom asked me where he went after he'd left and it was embarrassing. He came across as standoffish and rude. A couple of my other (also AuDHD) friends came along and were super supportive. They got really curious and asked questions, did some of the workshops, introduced themselves to people etc and stayed the whole day. For the brief time my partner was there I did my best not to let it show in front of my friends that he and I were in a fight but I was really upset on the inside and it put a dampener on the whole day for me which sucked because a lot of work had gone into it. My friend's actions also really brought into stark contrast what genuine support looks and feels like. My fellow players then shared all the videos and pictures their proud loved ones had captured of us playing, and of course my partner had taken none. I don't expect him to join the music group or make it his new special interest, but I felt really down that my partner couldn't muster up even some slight enthusiasm for one day for something that's really important to me. I would definitely have done so for him.

This has sent me in a thought loop where I've started picking apart every flaw in our relationship and feeling so much resentment bubbling to the surface.

The next day we met and talked about it. I told him how it made me feel. At first he blamed his childhood trauma, saying affects how he expresses enthusiasm for things (we both have plenty of trauma and I'm actively in therapy and working on mine). I said that while I understand trauma may be the reason, there's only so long that holds up if you never try to do anything about it and the negative impact your behaviour has on others because of it. Otherwise you're just passing the trauma along. I also pointed out that if I had behaved the way he did about one of his passions or his friends he would be rightfully upset.

I didn't want all the pent up frustration to come out in a rush but some of it did. I also explained how I feel like it's also indicative of a broader pattern where it seems like a lot of stuff between us is on his terms. I'm also AuDHD and struggle a lot. I'm actively working through some burnout issues right now. But because I try hard not to put those issues on others, it's like that gets forgotten. There are other issues of his in our relationship which remain unresolved because he avoids them even though we both know it's negatively impacting us (me more than him) and it's always left to me to bring up the hard conversations. It feels like unequal emotional labour that I'm expected or relied upon to say the hard thing, be accommodating, or inconvenience myself for his sake, but he doesn't have to do the same or challenge/stretch himself in any way which might take him even slightly out of his comfort zone.

To be fair to him, he acknowledged that what I was saying was valid and that he needs some time to think about why he acts that way. I worry about this because if he tries to put this into the avoidance box hoping I never bring it up again, I don't know if our relationship will recover. But he's asked for time, so time is what he will have. In the meantime since then he's been making normal chit chat like everything's fine.

I'm having trouble letting it settle though. I've been on a thought loop ever since where I'm examining every little thing that has ever felt unfair or unequal between us. I can feel myself emotionally withdrawing, and like I want to be more selfish by accommodating him less which is very unlike me. I know that I'm not necessarily being objective or fair because he's wonderful in a lot of ways and I genuinely do love him, but I'm really hurt right now. I don't think he quite grasps how much this is affecting me and my sense of connection to him.

Other aggravating factors in this are that I also have CPTSD which, among other things, has involved numerous experiences with important people in my life making me feel like crap about expressing myself or having certain interests. I'm Demirose and my emotional connection to my partner hugely influences my relationship satisfaction. I'm also currently in luteal phase and get PMDD. I'm trying so hard not to have a full blown meltdown and to stay rational but my brain won't shut up about it.

Any gentle advice on how to navigate this and not implode in a fit of rage right now would be really appreciated.