I feel close to being done.

Obvious throwaway account. I(36m) have struggled with anxiety and low self-esteem and depression for most of my life and it eventually lead to me making bad decisions, ending a 5 year relationship, that was a bit rocky near the end but it was good, and barely keeping a job until I was forced to move back with my folks.

After years jobless I finally started a new job recently, not the best pay but it seems comfortable. But I'm still the same depressed idiot. I miss my ex and it rips me apart knowing she's with the most toxic, womanizing, lying and cheating POS. It's my fault she went back to that crap. Had I been strong, and not this piece of shit useless man... She'd be with someone that actually cares about her. Not someone that pretends to care while fucking literally anyone else. They don't even live in the same country anymore.

I hate this fucking feeling. This loneliness. I miss the warmth, the hugs, the feeling of being safe and accompanied. I love my parents but that isn't the same.

Everytime I want to do better, things always backfire. If I try to be mean, it backfires. So what the fuck am I supposed to do? No matter what I try or do it always backfires! I try to do things the best way possible, for my benefit, to improve, to grow and it always backfires! So I think about being selfish instead, and it backfires!

I'm so, so tired. Sad and angry. And I'm not sure how much more of this I can handle. I don't want to break my parents hearts by ending it, but I'm not sure how much more I can withstand.

Maybe it doesn't seem like a lot to outside readers... And I condensed this a lot....

I'm exhausted... So, so exhausted.