I cheated and I feel terrible

Disclaimer: I'm not trying to justify anything nor am i asking for sympathy or pity or whatever else is there.

I'm 18F and I'd been dating my bf(20M) (from today ex) for about 10 months. He was the best thing that had ever happened to me. I was deep in depression at that point, I would have cut marks all over my body, arms thighs legs.. he understood me. No matter what the situation was he was there with me. Never judged, never left, he'd just listen and love. We had an ldr but we'd still make time for each other everyday and everynight. Some days maybe him or me, would be busy but yeah it was okay. We rarely fought and if we did, it would resolve in like 30 min. I can't even remember what we must've fought about.

However in the last few months of our relationship (about 3 mnths i suppose), he became busy with work and we'd barely speak. However, he'd promise me every month that after a particular date he get less busy. I understood this of course because things do come up. If it isnt in your control then what can you do. I know this is the bare minimum but I stayed and waited for him. I was a student so of course I wouldnt have the kind of work that he does.

Now, just last month I found out that he had a gf(24F) of 3 years. So in the days he was "busy", he would meet her, sleep with her, go on dates, you know the relationship stuff. Some days he would genuinely be busy with work.

I suppose I should mention how this went down. An anonymous account had dm'ed the gf telling her about me. Now, i obviously didnt know about her either but then the account started threatening me with fake photos of me and him having sex. He wanted me to stay with that guy and wanted the gf to leave him. The account's main aim was to break him and the gf up using me and had 3 justificstions:

1. That bf would constantly cheat on her

2. The gf would threaten for suicide anytime he'd try to leave her.

3. The gf herself would sleep around with guys.

Now, I panicked, the obvious thing would be to report this, however there was a possibility of my parents finding out and I come from a relatively strict household in which even going out with friends is hard. So, despite me not wanting to stay with him (I did still love him) at that point, I thought that I could stay with him until i went to college (which was a month away)... just to make sure that account person would leave me alone. Now, I told that guy and gf about this.. it wasnt just a plan I'd kept to myself. But, understandably, the gf didn't want this. She threatened for suicide and threatened to call the police. Wrote a whole suicide note mentioning this entire situation. So I just left the situation and him, at that point I didnt give a damn if anything was leaked. I obviously don't want to cause someone's suicide.

I was ready to leave him. I was hurt and felt betrayed. We spoke and he said that he loves us both. I loved him too, so much.. he was with me thoughout my depression. He helped me get better and I know that he truely loved me. So I asked him, her or me and he couldn't choose because, in his words, he loves us both.

However, me being a mess wanted him back, because before all of this I truely loved him more than anything. And so I went back to him, and kept it a secret. He told me that I could to talk to other guys but if you sleep with them then he'll leave. Being with him at that point still felt the same but again... he was busy. And this time I couldn't deal with it. So we fought almost everyday, I needed to know what he was doing. And yeah it was the obvious thing that he was also with her, going places with her, eating out with her etc etc but didn't sleep with her. I should've just left at this point. I couldn't bring myself to even say I love you to him.

But I did the opposite. I texted my ex(18M). He was another man who'd cheated on me (sexting with a mutual friend of mine at the end of our relationship). I'd never moved on from him and I wanted him back because I knew that I was also at fault for what had happened in that relationship. He'd left me and I just wanted to start over with him. I told him that we can meet but only if this isn't a one time thing. He agreed. So, we met. Slept together. He found out I had a bf. I told him that I would leave my bf today itself but he left and called me disgusting, which I am, I understand that. I told my bf immediately(yesterday) and we're over now. It's all done.

I regret a lot. I hurt multiple people for my selfish feelings and desires.