Shes just so hurt and lonely

Low contact with my mom for the past 5 years. I reached out again because im newly disabled and wanted to check if this illness was hereditary (its not). First conversation in a while went fine. Practically normal.

2nd conversation... all her tinfoil hat medical opinions come back out. I keep having to shut her down cuz Im already overwhelmed and upset by all the medical stuff happening in my life. Shes a bit more receptive now than to 5 years ago. Its something. Alludes that me getting disabled is due to me not being Christian but thats like whatever. Was kind of prepared for that

What really gets me is the things shes telling me about her life now.. she told me about some "healing" she has been going through. My mom grew up abused her whole life. Im very aware of that and it colours so much of her. She was abused by her family and then my dad. Shes been having dreams about my dad and his abuse, so she goes to church about it.

She told me, the healer stopped her in her tracks with this question. "Have you repented to god for choosing the wrong man?" She tells me with such reverance, as if her eyes are finally opened. Like shes been touched by god. Like she realised the answer to life. The answer, the whole time, was that it was her choice and her fault for being abused.

My heart broke so fucking bad. She didnt pick my dad. She got sold to him and then abused for 30 years. And now shes just like this. She can never escape being blamed and victimised and being treated by this religion where she has to grovel and diminish herself to her sins. Its so awful. Im so sad for her. Im so sad that she finds such fulfilment in a life where religion treats her that way.

The whole call she was... so loving to me, but in her own, hurtful way. I can tell she misses me a lot and is so goddamn lonely. Shes so hurt and lonely and broken, and thats why shes so hurtful.

She'll never change or be okay. Ive tried for 10 years. I dont know why I keep talking to her. I can never change anything but I keep going back. Its because she makes me so sad. I feel so bad for her.

Im so fucking upset by this. I feel like an idiot for going back to her. If I tell any of my loved ones about this they'd just admonish me because they know what shes like. I stopped talking to her for a reason.

But I feel so bad for her. Shes so hurt and lonely.