I feel like a trans guy, but I still feel like femininity is part of me. Can anyone relate?

So. For a very long time, whenever I imagined myself looking like a guy or when I’m referred to as a guy I’ve felt euphoric. I sometimes felt this pull to role play as a guy as a kid (7-10), and for a whole school year, pretended I was secretly a guy and wore a packer (12-13) (lmfao). I came out as nonbinary in high school, but preferred male pronouns and expression. And when I think of myself, I usually have a more male-looking character pop in my head.

But I also feel very feminine. For a very long time I’ve loved expressing myself in a feminine, girly, way. Like I literally behaved like a brat doll as a kid. I also remember imagining myself growing up as a GIRL. Like as a kid (4) I’d imagine myself, older, driving a pink car, looking like a girl. It made me feel happy. I loved roleplaying as the “sister” in the friend group and in video games I’d dress as a girl (5-10). I also sometimes love playing female characters in DND.

Now (18), I feel like there is more than one part to my gender, but the strongest pull is toward being a guy. The idea of a little facial hair, having a male body, being referred to as he/him feels really nice and congruent. I dont want to look like a super masculine dude though.

I like they/them pronouns, but I prefer he/him. I don’t like she/her.. But maybe pronouns do not need to be completely related to identity?

I don’t dislike some parts of my body, I just don’t like how they’re referred to as “female” body parts.

And when I imagine embodying femininity, it feels really nice. But when I imagine myself as a woman, it feels off. And I guess when I imagine myself as a man embodying femininity it feels better.

It feels so uncomfortable for me to label myself as just a guy, and it feels uncomfortable to say “I’m a demiguy” or “nonbinary” or “bigender” because I feel like it minimizes how much I feel like a guy.

Maybe my experiences just don’t fit into one category. Or maybe I’m a trans guy still figuring it out.

There are so many parts of my experience that seem to contradict each other. Is that “female / feminine part” my internal gender identity, or is it my gender expression?

Has anyone else experienced something similar? How did you figure out whether it was your gender identity or your gender expression?

P.S. I feel too scared to explain this to my friends, but I understand I might need to explore my identity by experimenting.