Abusive Therapist/Social Worker

I've been in therapy for 2.5 years (it'll be 3 years in November) with a therapist that prides herself on her tough love rigid approach. But I don't think that every case should be a one size fits all. A good therapist should adapt, especially toward those who are more sensitive. I journal on my own and bring it to the office. I read some truly deep things and she just sits there. No feedback. Not even a "that must have been hard for you."

She always seems to find a way to shame me. It's terrible. If there are issues between us like if I speak up about something that bothered me, she doesn't attempt to fix things. She gets super defensive. I I do my best to repair any ruptures between us. Isn't that her job? She told me to always come to her if she says anything that bothers me. So I do, well not anymore. I can't handle her vulnerability or her defensiveness I guess.

She has moods so I never know who I will see when I go to the office. It is so unpredictable. She lets me know when she is burned out and acts irritated as if I contribute to her being stressed out.

Instead of listening and trying to understand me, she assumes the worst regarding my intentions. Having someone assume your motives, and painting me out to be calculating is so awful.

She'll say something like you just did that to get me to rescue you or to make me worry.

She's so off base that it's interesting to see what she'll come up with regarding my intentions.

She tells me not to assume and thats all she does. I am super weary. I feel sick before and after appointments. I can't talk to family about this.

My mental health is declining. I tape our sessions because I am in Idaho and it's allowed. I don't share it with anyone. I only did it to remember things, work on things, etc. (at the beginning during the honeymoon period).

I had to stop listening because I can't believe anyone would talk/treat me the way she does. Sometimes I re-listen and think well maybe it's me. It isn't.

She can be quite abusive at times. I'm not the type to report. I would never. I'm weary. Im holding onto hope that she'll be the person she was in the first few months. But that therapist is gone.

If I leave, I worry about things not ending good. I hate bad endings. So I keep trying to make things good between us so I can exit the therapy relationship. Anyone have advice for me or been in a similar situation? Sincerely, Insanity on the Idaho Couch