Lost my brother to suicide

My older brother killed himself years ago, and I still feel panicked almost every time his memory comes up. Which used to be every day and is now every other day. He was a top level chef. He was also a skydiver, scuba diver, sailor and surfer. He was a mixture of gentle and fierce like we all are, but the last few years especially he was so very nice to everyone. He was hardworking and always helping his family and others. The last time I saw him he was helping me. I kissed him on the cheek while I hugged him and made him wait to leave until my 2 young boys could hug him. I had never kissed his cheek in my life. I don’t know why I did that day except I was overwhelmed with loving him. When I got the news. It was and still is a knife that I don’t understand. Everything stops and it’s like I’m looking at a gun. But I remember he had written in a journal that life was becoming less and less sweet. I often think about that as I am now older than he ever reached. And how much I would like to say goodbye to all the misery of this life. But I have kids, and a responsibility to persevere. I am resilient anyway, but knowing he left in what was probably such agony and loneliness just makes me panic when I think about it. So I can’t. And I can’t talk about it. I became estranged from my father afterwards for many reasons, but it’s been so hard to deal with the fact that I can’t think, talk, or do anything about it without harsh consequences. If anyone else is going though this, may you find peace.