I despise my gender roles

I already wrote another post rambling like a lunatic on another sub over my grievances about being a man on another, and I know how it looks (and IS) that I’m writing about the same topic again so soon but I would like to get this out and maybe receive some feedback (again, lol) I don’t plan on making this a regular occurrence but I feel like I missed some stuff last time that’s sitting on my mind.

I can’t stand how as a male I’m pretty much just a being of obligation, my life essentially has to be defined by protecting and or providing, I don’t want to be either of those things and it sucks for me (as horrible and selfish as it is) that I can’t be one of the vulnerable ones or being able to be valued for being alive, I have to be the one standing above being a big strong provider. I don’t know, I fucking hate that, idk where to go or how to change that or if I can or I’m even in the wrong for feeling this way or not, I’ve already said it once already but I wish I could explore being trans but I know my motivations aren’t real or authentic to the trans experience and are too selfish to really count, no horrible dysphoria maybe no dysphoria at all (I feel no attachment to being a man but still) no deep feeling of misaligned identity or anything like that, I’d just be doing it to escape how I’m grouped socially and I know that’s a bad reason to do it, I feel like I would just be maliciously and for no other reason than my own selfish desires appropriating a real group of people and trying to force myself into a space I don’t belong in. Still I don’t care about being a real man or anything like that and I feel no attachment to filling that role and wish I was able to get way farther away from it than it feels like I can. Idk, I’m going to stop making these posts before it gets any weirder than it already is but thanks for reading lol