Tofu and bean sandwich!   
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LONG READ! Scroll for tldr!  
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I (28F) met my friend, let’s call her Iris (28F), when we were in college. She was the roommate of my then best friend, Hope, in our freshman year. Iris, Hope and I all moved into a suite together with 2 other friends in Junior year. In the first week of us all living together, I noticed that Iris wasn’t close with our suite and invited her to hang out with all of us. Since that day, Iris and I clicked and became very close watching movies together and bonding over wine nights. Iris also became close with the group and we all became a tight knit group of 5. 

I always knew I liked girls since high school but had the mistaken closeted mentality of that since I was Bi I could just choose to be with a guy. One time during senior year Iris and I were drunk at a party and I confessed to her that I liked girls and she said me too! But we didn’t speak about it again.

After graduation there was a lull period. Iris came to visit me at New Years and we made a light hearted promise to kiss each other at New Years since we were both single. We went out to a rooftop bar and had a cocktail and a champagne and had a small kiss at midnight. The drinks were stronger than I expected - and when we were in the elevator leaving the bar to meet up with friends I drunkenly asked her “Don’t you think that kiss wasn’t very good. Lets try again” and we ended up kissing passionately in the elevator. I didn’t realize **how** drunk she was because 30 mins later at the new karaoke bar we went to she threw up considerably into the toilet and I took her home and put her to bed. The next morning she didn’t say anything and was super hungover and it seemed obvious to me she didn’t remember the second kiss. I ended up not mentioning it. I was a very confused closeted bisexual and hadn’t come to terms with anything yet.

After she left my house, there was a lull period in our group friendship and we all became super close again during Covid era and Iris called us every night and read books to us to pass the time. 

In 2021, after Iris moved back to the city — Iris, Hope and I started living together in a new 3 bedroom apartment. Iris and I became incredibly close. I would tell her every single thought and thing that came up. If I fought with Hope or other friends - Iris knew all about it and would comfort me. If Iris was upset at Hope or the others she would also tell me. The difference was that Iris never voiced her grievances to any friend, which gave all my friends the impression that Iris was almost angelic. I was always a yapper and fighter so they didnt think that of me. 

Eventually, I told Iris what happened that night at the bar and we laughed about it. We also came out as bisexual together to our friend group. This is when I really started exploring my queerness and because it was just after covid I had a YOLO mentality. It was like something exploded in me and I had so much fun partying, meeting girls, and all the rest of it. Iris was more shy and didnt have many friends besides us and didn’t explore it.

Sometimes I would question whether I had feelings for Iris but it always came down to that I didn’t have a ton of physical attraction to her. Our relationship however was almost romantic. We would celebrate Valentines together and have movie nights. We discussed being each others queer family and wanting to live together forever. We talked about being “queer life partners” — but it always was just that to me. Just talk. Dreaming about queer relationship structures that were not just romantic. To me that meant dreaming of living in a commune with her or even a 2 family house. 

It all began to change when I met my current girlfriend Rose. Rose was my first girlfriend ever and was everything I ever wanted. She made me laugh, she went on adventures with me, and she most importantly made me feel safe. In our honeymoon period when Rose and I first started dating, Iris was incredibly busy with work and work trips. I naturally got a lot of time to spend with Rose. It was very important to me that Iris and Rose got to know each other as I considered them two very important people to me. I even told Rose that I want Iris to live close to us forever. Eventually when summer ended and Iris became less busy Rose and Iris got more chances to talk. 

For context, Rose is on the autism spectrum. I could tell Iris immediately did not like Rose. Iris’ body language around Rose was awkward and cold. I could also see Rose trying super hard to converse with Iris. 

After a few months of this, I asked Iris what was up. She denied anything at first. After questioning her and telling her I could read her very well, Iris gave in and told me that she thought Rose was annoying and that Rose bragged about her family a lot. She also said that Rose spent too much time at our house.

I was shocked and hurt at the comment about Rose but I made an effort to go to Roses house  
more instead of bringing her around. After that Iris and I began to fight more. I discovered a lot of resentment Iris had been harboring about the time I spent with Rose and the decrease in time I spent with Iris. It had now been almost a year of me dating Rose and it was shocking to find the depth of anger Iris was holding on to. I felt almost helpless as it felt too late to try to undo that anger since it had been so long. I tried very hard the next few months to hang out with Iris a lot more but it was too late. Our relationship had already degraded. We began to fight more. Iris wanted to dictate how much time I spent where. She wanted every Sunday with me. I asked for flexibility and she said I wasnt doing enough. It even got to a point where I was scheduling time with Iris on my calendar. This was in the winter and I was also struggling with severe seasonal depression and severe insomnia and it became all too much for me. After the next few fights - it came time to renew the lease and I said I wanted to move out and live on my own.

Iris blew up — I had never seen her so angry. Over the series of the next few days she relayed to me that I had promised to be her life partner and now I was breaking the promise. I was so fed up of trying to save our friendship, sleep deprived and incredibly depressed at that point that I told her I couldn’t give her what she wanted, I was struggling too much with my own things, and I needed to move out for my sanity and sleep. I also reminded her that we had always just been talking about queer family and I never recalled “promising” her anything. 

I moved out in the following weeks and living on my own was the best decision I made. It felt like a breath of relief. After a month, Hope came to visit me and we chatted and caught up. I happened to see a notification on Hopes phone of someone in our friend group sending a message in a group chat. I thought that was weird because I didn’t get a message. I questioned Hope and she said Iris had made a group chat without me and called it “Trauma bonding”. Super confused at the name, I found out that Iris had relayed her side of the story in a phone call. She had also told each friend something I’d said about them over the year, something I said in anger or in a rant that was always meant to be private. It was all twisted versions of things I said or things taken out of context or things I said in a rant that I didnt remember. I loved my friends and always thought of Iris as a safe person to rant and process things with. Iris told them these things because she was asking them to pick her over me. Each friend was incredibly hurt and rallied around her, especially since she was never angry often so it was easier to believe her. 

It felt as if my chosen family had abandoned me. I asked Hope why she didnt defend me and Hope was very avoidant. She later texted me that Iris had told Hope every single thing I said about her over the years and she actually visited me that day to confront me. She also said that Iris did more for our group and was the person that held our group together so it made sense that theyd pick her.

It felt like the rug had been pulled under me. I had no idea what Iris told anyone except what she told Hope. I had no way to defend myself from these memories she collected of what I said and weaponized years later to keep our friends by her. I had always thought we could recover from the fight of me moving out but this had changed the scale from a fight to a betrayal. Hope and one other friend eventually heard my side of it and I got to apologize but it was never the same again. I struggled with it for months after and it definitely worsened my depression for almost a year.

Now 2 years later Im doing better as I eventually got on Lexapro, made amazing new friends in the new neighborhood I had moved to, then I moved in with Rose and am living my dream of having a new chosen family all nearby me. Rose supported me through all these lows and really proved to me she is my partner in life. 

While Im happy now, losing Iris has been one of the hardest things. I miss her when I see a new TV show or read a book she would love. I miss her like missing a soul friend. Sometimes I want to text her as I miss her so much until i remember the smear campaign she ran against me. I remember the good times more than the fights. What would you do? Would you forgive and reach out?

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tldr; my codependent best friend that I had weird almost romantic energy with ran a smear campaign against me after I wanted to move out of our apartment. I still struggle with the double grief of losing her and her betrayal. 

My best friend betrayed me