how

how does anyone do this. i look in the mirror and sometimes if i blur my eyes in just the right way i can see her looking back at me. and then i try to focus and it's just me again. it's the same me that ive had the misfortune of piloting to the ripe old age of twenty two. the same me that everyone i know and love knows and loves. the me that isn't who i feel like i fundamentally am. and i know i could start the process and do the hard thing and at some point down the line ill be happier but. it's too scary. i don't think ill ever get to be her and ill live my life as the me i am now and ill have this secret thatll nag and nag and nag in the back of my head and maybe ill always look back at 22 year old me who chose to give up and chose the easy path and hate him but i think it's the only thing i can do. i think it's all i have and it might be all i am. i feel like i have to choose to keep her inside or else ill risk everything. and its just so scary admitting to the world that im not who i say i am. i have this affliction that makes half my country want me eliminated and i don't want everyone to know. so im going to keep daisy hidden away. I had a different girl name when i was younger but if i get to choose i want to be daisy. and yet i do get to choose and im choosing not to be... it's tough. but ive been listening to more dodie and more ethel cain so i suppose that'll have to do