The little things I can’t vent about.

when will I be able to cry and vent about all the small things that still sting and drain my soul?! I’m so full of unsaid words and question marks. Nobody seems to notice how mentally exhausted I am, all they see is an angry ball who hates to be around ppl and I just wish for someone to actually see through me, but not out of pity! I don’t understand how everyone around me, the ppl I love, my family, my friends, etc never noticed anything about me, for four years I’ve been dealing with undiagnosed depression, I thought about offing myself a hundred times, I’ve done SH, i tend to lock myself in my room for long times and rarely get out, but still nobody thought that I’m going through something. These days my sleep schedule had been ruined, I sleep at 8am and wake up around 6pm, everyone keeps pushing me to go out with them, it’s not like I hate it but I’m too drained to even get out of my room. my mom and dad… I don’t even know what to say about them, they’re probably the main reason why I’m the way I am. I always try to open up to my best friends, but she never ever hears me, she seem to compare her problems with mine and always say “at least you this… at least you that…” and I got so tired of being shut down so I stopped talking about my problems. I.Just.wanna.be.heard.
I hate the fact that when I was I kid nobody liked me cause I was a fat girl with fried hair(my mom didn’t use to treat my curly hair like a curly hair), I hate that I was too old to stay with the babes but too young to hang out with my older cousins, so I learned how to have fun alone the hard way. I hate that even my sister used to make fun of me so she could impress the others. I hate how shy I was, how I dressed, how I styled my hair, how I was seeking attention from everyone, even if a had to do things I don’t like. Now, I hate how I don’t know how to express my emotions, so I tend to go quiet whenever something goes wrong or I’ll be punished, I hate how I became the therapist for my mom and how if I don’t say the right thing she gets mad and starts guilt trap me. I hate how whenever I try to talk to my dad even though I don’t like it he gets into defense mode and start using his voice and body. I hate when I’m going through something and my siblings don’t understand and push me to my limits and my parents take there sides. I hate the fact I confessed my feelings to the one I love just to find out after how bad of a person he is. I hate how I have no self control and I always binge on food and that’s probably the reason I still haven’t reached my body goal yet. I hate that I don’t physically take care of myself.