meta-mental illness

my latest obsession seems to be around how mentally unwell i am right now. am i actually mentally unwell? am i looking for justification to just be a shitty person? how can i be a less shitty person if i am mentally unwell? do i have more capacity than i think i do? do i have more or less capacity than i am communicating? am i being dishonest and manipulative by telling people i have x capacity? when i complete tasks is that proof i'm well? when i don't complete tasks is that proof i'm unwell or proof i'm lazy and irresponsible, or even just underskilled? when i'm feeling unable to live, work, interact etc, are these excuses? even if they are not, am i doing enough to change these circumstances? do i need in patient care? is the risk to myself and others i am feeling severe enough? what counts as risk? is it okay to use metrics outside of fatality? e.g. if i'm not coping and resorting to maladaptive ways of getting my needs met. what if i start manipulating people to take care of me or feel bad for me or excuse my shitty behaviour - that's harmful. what if i'm already doing that? what if the thought of being one of those evil mentally ill people would be too much to bear? what if the s**c*d*l ideation is irresistible once i learn that's what i've turned into? what if i want intervention before it gets there, or at least before a point of no return? how do i communicate to my loved ones about any of this?

i understand reassurance isn't the answer, but i genuinely do not know what to do. i am losing my mind and terrified all the time. i am ruining my life a little bit more everyday i am not feeling stable. i just want a structured recovery plan where someone else has care responsibilities to oversee it :(