Thank you. I’m proud I stood back.

You’re right. I am living in limbo. Other people still have control of parts of my life and I’m not free yet. I’m working towards it and trying to put down solid foundations though.

I’m incredibly grateful we met and you’re right, there was chemistry. Something kept telling me to be weary and I couldn’t quell it though. You were so keen and I loved that but you reminded me at times of people who’d hurt me in the past. I couldn’t make sense of logic and it seemed always to be the opposite to what I understood.

Whenever something didn’t go your way you were quick to anger or become upset and you wouldn’t hear otherwise. Maybe it really was an awkward stage you were going through and none of it was your own making. I couldn’t see the real you and if that was really the case though because when it came to me you hid yourself. I know you said it was because I was a flight risk but you only made me more-so. You didn’t show me something to grab onto and ground myself with. It was full on, passionate and constant but it didn’t feel real and if I tried to peek behind the curtain or question it ended badly. I wasn’t prepared to settle for the facade because life has taught me they crumble. I needed to see behind the facade and I saw glimpses. The glimpses were unfortunately behaviours that made me uncomfortable or worried for you.

Cutting off contact post breaking things off feels really immature now and I’m glad I didn’t weaken and contact you. I came so close and probably would have. It was the ick I felt when I missed you and got close to reaching out that reminded me you’d blocked me on socials and bared me from waving and saying hi in public. It reminded me you hung up on me on that second last phone call. It reminded me of how you react when things don’t go your way. It reminded me you suspect the worst in people and work backwards. It reminded me you said you value peace and quiet but your life seemed to attract anything but.

You’re right. You’re a strong, independent woman with a lot of love to give. You’re not my woman though. Thank you for the good times we shared but thank you also for helping build a stronger me. Once I would have ran away with you but I’m proud that I stood back and went no, you make me feel uneasy even if I didn’t know why. I still don’t know why that was but I do know I need to feel safe with someone and I think I might have stumbled on that person now.

I hope life treats you well and you find your person. At this stage, I don’t think I’ll text you next birthday though.