My boyfriend committed suicide and I’m struggling

My boyfriend and I started as friends we were friends for 2 years and then started growing a romantic interest towards that second year of knowing each other i met him when I was 18 i was so young and had never been in a serious relationship before he was 7 years older than me so he was 25 when we met and by the time I turned 20 we started dating

when we were friends he always struggled with depression but when we started dating I did everything in my power to make him a better person and build healthy habits stay out of addiction and bad influences and he did try to be better and in our 3 years of dating he truly did become a better person for the most part and he was happy and healthier with me he loved me so much I was his world and he would do everything for me and give me everything I wanted he would do anything to make me smile we did so much together traveled to many places were 2 peas in a pod we were always together we were a package deal and did everything together he had such a big heart and was so selfless when we were dating his family would tell me how grateful they were that I came into his life because he was headed down a bad path and with me he’s happy and out of trouble

but unfortunately we had a lot of problems in our relationship he was never diagnosed but he suffered with mental issues and addiction I’m no doctor but I felt he was undiagnosed bi polar cause sometimes we would argue and he would turn dark his eyes would go black and he would call me names and say evil things that always had to do with death and wanting to kill or hurt things or saying he wanted to hurt me even though he never put his hands on me sometimes he would throw things near me or hurt our pets to take his anger out on something and it was so conflicting because he was also such a caring and loving person so when he would flip it would be scary I always urged him to get help because when he would snap out of it he would be deeply sorry

he didn’t want to lose his gun license from being diagnosed with a mental disorder and i didn’t want to be naggy so eventually I stopped urging him to get help

whenever he would drink and do drugs his mind always wondered to a dark place and he would talk about wanting to end his life and I tried so hard to get him to quit but he wouldn’t he would do drugs and drink behind my back because he knew I didn’t want him doing that stuff he was very controlling and In our years of dating I barely ever saw my family and friends and when I did he would have a melt down so I found myself isolating myself to not provoke him

some of our fights would get pretty heated and there was a handful of times he tried to take both of our lives he constantly tried to wreck the car with both of us in the car he would try to swerve into walls and at the last minute change his mind he would stop completely while on the highway and stay there for a second waiting for someone to come and crash into us when I would try to get out of the car he would come to his senses and drive off and would mentioned how he’d kill me and then himself or if he goes I go

we would constantly break up and get back together because of these fights regardless of all this I was always 100% dedicated to him and faithful to him even on our breaks that never lasted more than 2 weeks and I would just go to my moms house but I would always go back because he would beg and beg that he needed me and how depressed he was without me and I know when we were together he was happy and I didn’t want him to hurt

but over time I became a shell of a person i was so drained holding him together I was the glue that kept him happy but over time I became less sticky I gave him all of me to the point were there was nothing left I started suffering from depression myself and there were days where I couldn’t even care for myself and he couldn’t pull me out of my hole he would just join me I had so much resentment cause he would constantly promise change and to be better or that he would get help but he never did he would only say those things to get me back and I was so mentally drained

despite all the abuse I still loved him deeply because I knew he loved me so much he was just mentally ill and needed help but after so many breakups and all the times he put my life in danger I couldn’t do it anymore I felt that we needed to separate so we could both improve on our own and It was hard I was so depressed after we broke up and didn’t know what to do we built a life together and I had to start from zero I thought I was going to spend my life with him

after our final breakup he refused to give me any of my belongings back because he had hope that I would come back and I just let it be because I figured it would be hard for him to let go so I wanted to let him do things on his own pace even if that meant moving back to my moms house with nothing and started from zero and still chose to be cordial with him regardless of him making my life so difficult

after our official break up he seemed like he was doing great his business was flourishing and got a new fancy apartment that he was hesitant to get while we were together I was glad he was doing well we stayed in contact for a bit and he would always say he loves me forever and I’ll always be his best friend and that he wants a future with me still I wanted to stay in touch because I loved him

but after our split people would tell me he was out at strip clubs and partying a lot blowing money and following a bunch of girls all things that were never ok while we were together which did hurt me and I couldn’t say it bothered me because we were separated but it still hurt me

And on top of all this my best friend of 5 years stopped being friends with me around the same time me and him broke up shes actually the one who introduced me to him and I soon found out that they were hanging out together behind my back while me and him were separated and while me and her where no longer friends and he was giving her my belongings that he refused to give back to me all of this made me hate him at the time I was so hurt and felt so betrayed by both of them I couldn’t wrap my head around what I did to them for them to do this to me and I made the decision to block him on everything and I never told him I found these things out I just wished him well and told him I won’t be in contact with him anymore

3 months later he committed suicide with his fire arm it’s been a roller coaster of emotions and I can’t help but feel guilty and at fault for his death why didn’t i push harder for him to not have a gun I feel so guilty because I knew he wasn’t well and shouldn’t own a firearm but everyday I was walking on egg shells he would go from 0 to the 100 so I would constantly bite my tongue and make myself small anything to prevent an outburst

I feel like he wanted to make it seem like he was doing well but was deeply hurting I feel like I let him down at his worst and regardless of all he did to me I would live in that hell and take all that depression and resentment if it meant he would still be alive I know it sounds delusional but I don’t think I’m mentally well myself anymore I don’t wish this pain on anyone

I have so much regret and it eats me alive every day I can’t help but feel like I could’ve done more and it’s been hard I can’t wrap my head around that he’s gone and that I didn’t get to say goodbye hurts and the fact that we weren’t in contact I wonder if he tried to reach out and I wasn’t there to answer i miss him every day and every thing is a reminder I feel like it’s my fault and I would do anything to have him back I’m so sad all the time I don’t have much family or friends so I feel very lonely at times I’m having a hard time finding purpose in my life and my grief is consuming me