Why is my 3y no contact ex on my mind again

C and I dated in 2023, but she’s been coming back to mind a lot this year, and I’d like to put this rumination to rest.

We met on apps while I was traveling and almost didn’t go on our first date, but then we ended up spending several days together almost inseparable. We fell in love quickly, and at the beginning the relationship felt effortless. She was warm, playful, and reassuring, a light, and after a previous toxic relationship, being with her gave me hope for the kind of future and partnership I wanted.

Our relationship was long-distance since the beginning, and although communication started out strong, things gradually changed. Whenever I wanted to talk about the practical realities of the distance or our uncertain future, those conversations often became framed as me not wanting the relationship enough or not believing in us. Looking back, I can see there were dynamics that left me doubting myself that i accepted after my sense of self being destroyed in my previous relationship. In both i erased myself trying to understand the other, how she carried wounds from past relationships and family experiences, and that was why she would hurt me. at the time I coped by using a lot of flower, which kept me disconnected from my own feelings too.

The relationship had very high highs and very painful lows. I often felt responsible for repairing conflict and was usually the one apologizing because I loved her and wanted to make it work. After we broke up, I was left with a lot of unresolved grief and confusion. I wasnt able to talk about our breakup trip it for months after to friends, I didnt have the energy to live that emotional rollercoaster again and we had decided to stay friends. With time i realize we both went through a lot that year, she had to leave her family home beacuse of problems with her parents, friendships were not great for her, i came out to my parents and was in my last year of college, flower overuse… and Ive come to think of our conflict patterns as potentially part of this bigger picture.

We’ve had no contact since the breakup. She went on to date this friend of hers i had raised an eyebrow about and she said absolutely not romantic, that ended and she is now in another relationship (shes a serial dater, i came after consecutive relationships as well). I was so clear on this after we broke contact in 2024 and thought id never look back as she was just in this perpetual cycle and didnt see her growing out of her toxic ways…(not saying it was all her, i take full accountability in not setting boundaries and being anxiously attached at times, checked out at others. It was a relationship and i also played a part in the pain)

Despite that, this year she’s been coming to mind in a way that feels different from ordinary nostalgia. I keep having vivid daydreams or visions of us unexpectedly seeing each other after all this time, having an honest, peaceful conversation, and both wondering whether we should give the relationship another chance. In these recurring scenarios, it feels as though we’ve both grown. And it makes us both really happy to reconnect and we understand that was the only way it couldve been. I imagine approaching the relationship very differently now, with stronger boundaries and without accepting the patterns that hurt me before. I like to think id leave in a heartbeat before putting up with many things i did.

I don’t know whether these thoughts are simply my subconscious processing the relationship, wishful thinking, intuition, or whether they point to something meaningful. I’m not looking for reassurance that we’ll get back together. What I’m hoping for is clarity. I’d like insight into the purpose of this relationship in my life, why she’s resurfacing in my mind now after so much time and no contact, whether she’s thinking of me too, whether there is anything unresolved between us energetically or emotionally, and whether this connection is something I’m meant to release completely or simply understand more deeply before moving forward.

Appreciate any help🤍thank you for taking the time