I keep making posts that get so many views, and nobody responds

I am trying to reach out for help, I am already undergoing professional help but it simply isn’t helping, I’ve been with 9 different therapists and am currently back with my 8th and have been for months.

I… I am truly… I am truly losing it,

It’s like a compounding doubt in my mind… the things I fear are becoming loved, the things I want to dislike are becoming liked, the violent, the sexual, it’s… it’s not okay!

I’ve tried reaching out! I’ve tried making sense of it, and practicing distance and ACT techniques!

Why am I so much worse than anyone? I don’t want to kill people… and yet I have a sick sense of pleasure when admitting the truth, yes, I do sincerely want so many people to hurt. But not children, not the way… not… I don’t care about kids right? But I love the fucked up feeling I feel…

But I miss her… and then it tells me that I don’t miss her and it feels so real but I cry every night and want to kiss her… but now it feels all emulative, but real at the same time, it’s too much…

And the gayness, it’s… it’s all there is now, straight has been destroyed, I am no longer allowed to enjoy women. And it’s rewriting itself, making me see the past differently, but, but, it just felt natural and simple, it felt easy and nice, and it’s so gone now and applied to men now and I don’t want it, it’s so intrusive and everyone is sexualized but I KNOW a part of me DOES want it now! But… but… but I can’t enjoy it! I just don’t want it for myself! I don’t know what to do!

And it’s not just doubt.

It’s compounding doubt.

Everything in my head, it’s like there’s someone else saying what I can and can’t say. I’m hearing a real voice in my head. It’s not one you hear with your ears. It’s like if you can just imagine the sound of your own voice. And it’s acting on its own.

I am NOT in control of my thoughts. My therapist says it’s okay as long as I drive the bus. BUT I CANT!

I don’t know if it’s my depersonalization and derealization disorder. But I am no longer in control.

Something else is possessing my body.

I am begging you for help guys. Please.
I am already in professional help and it is NOT what you are thinking it is.

Hospitals, doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists… it’s like… it’s like they’ve given up on me! It’s like I’m alone! Seriously! Seriously! Please hear me… please, please! Please…

So many views, no one responds, I’m swept under the rug, I’m not a story to just be seen I’m a real person!

I’m a real person

I AM A REAL PERSON

PLEASE SAVE ME

IT IS NOT EXPECTED OF THE AVERAGE PERSON TO DEAL WITH THE DISTRESS I AM DEALING WITH. IT ISNT. IT ISNT JUST AN ERP THING, IVE BEEN DOING ERP. IT ISNT JUST ME FLAGGING WHAT EVERYONE ELSE FEELS AS ROUTINELY NORMAL.

I am NOT a murderer. I can’t be. But I’m changed.

I need to not be alone. I need to! Please!

ANSWER! ANSWER!

Don’t leave me alone in the dark, again…