Text version of Landon's Manifesto

Anyone who is here expecting me to talk shit about Vimp is going to be disappointed. I’m not making this statement to encourage harassment, threats, or attacks against her. I know I cannot control what everyone does, but I am directly asking people not to harass her. I’m writing this because I want to explain what happened from my perspective, say what I need to say, and begin moving on. Were Vimp and I in a relationship? Yes. We kept it hidden from the public because we did not want fans knowing about it. That was mostly her preference. I was more neutral about it, but I respected her wishes and kept it private for her. It began the same night the show ended. We were outside before dumpster-diving to search for her clothes and the twins, which we never found. She confronted me and asked whether my feelings for her were real or whether I had only acted that way for the cameras. They were real. I genuinely had feelings for her. She told me she liked me too, and from there we took things about as slowly as two people in our situation could. People already know that we spent almost every day together after the show ended and before we returned to our normal lives. Publicly, we told the audience that we were only “friends.” Yes, we kissed. Silly me, I became even more emotionally tangled up in her after that. After leaving the house, we shared a hotel room for two nights. On my final night in Atlanta, we went to a goth club and danced. I stopped drinking after two drinks, partly because they were expensive, but mostly because I could not stop thinking about telling her that I loved her. We went outside for some fresh air, and I told her I wanted to say something privately. Later, while we were talking in the hotel bathroom, I finally told her. We hugged for a long time afterward. Looking back, perhaps I understood the relationship differently than she did. Maybe she considered it a situationship or a hookup. I considered it a real relationship, and that is why everything that happened afterward hurts as much as it does. What was the relationship like after we returned home? I was depressed after returning to my normal life. It was not anything extreme; I mostly wished that I could spend more time with her. We remained close and stayed in contact almost every day, or at least every other day, through texts and phone calls. We flirted, said good morning and good night, talked about random bullshit, and supported each other’s careers. From my perspective, we were still together. The Ghost drama I think this may have been where some of the first cracks appeared. Every relationship has cracks, but this was the beginning of a long period of drama. I am not sending hate toward Ghost, regardless of how I feel about what happened. Vimp was the person who initially encouraged me to follow up on his offer, so I eventually did. She was the first person I told about our conversations. She did not like the offer of $10 per hour or the proposed 20/80 stream split, but she understood that the free apartment was part of the arrangement. When everything fell apart, she supported me. James and other people supported me too, but she was one of the people standing beside me. That support meant a lot to me. Unfortunately, it was also the beginning of what felt like endless drama. When I sank I sank into a dark place that I had not experienced in a long time. I held on to my support system because, without them, I probably would have disappeared from the public eye for much longer than I did. Vimp supported me and acted like she cared about me. When she was struggling, I tried to be there for her too. At one point, I pushed her away slightly. I later regretted it and sent her a long apology. I apologized for acting like an asshole and for involving her in situations that she never needed to be part of. When I returned to streaming, she was there. She seemed happy for me. That is part of why this situation is so difficult to process. There were moments when the relationship felt genuine and supportive. New York I will not say much about New York. I know that she and Binx had some kind of disagreement involving Burt and the place where they were staying. I am not always the best person at giving advice, but I tried to be there for her. She also streamed with Frazzle, which I will discuss later. At the time, I did not think much of it beyond the smoking issue. We remained close and spoke almost every day. When she told me about the stalker situation, I immediately jumped out of bed and checked that she was safe. Thank God she was. Later, when she streamed with Suzie—rest her soul—Binx, and another guy who was apparently acting strangely toward them, I again immediately checked to make sure she was all right. I cared about her safety. Whenever I thought she might be in danger, my first instinct was to make sure she was okay. Berlin and Moldova I believe this was the beginning of the end. We stopped texting as often. When we did speak, she would sometimes disappear in the middle of the conversation without saying anything. I was not furious about it, but I was annoyed because I dislike conversations ending suddenly without an explanation. I understood that she was busy. I tried to be patient. During this period, I also discovered through clips that she had smoked in Berlin and Moldova. I will explain why that mattered in the next section. When she seemed down, I tried to check on her. Some of my messages may not have gone through because her SIM card was apparently inactive, but I still made the effort. The distance between us continued growing. The promise This is probably the part that many people care about most. After we returned to our normal lives, I joined one of her streams while I was drunk, and we did an autism test together. Good times. I cannot remember exactly how the conversation began, but I mentioned my drinking habits before and after the show. She was worried about my health and my liver, so she asked me to promise that I would only drink on special occasions. I wanted our relationship to work. If that meant sacrificing something like regular drinking, I was willing to do it. I was committed to her and to making the relationship work. However, I did not think the promise should be one-sided. I asked her to make a similar promise regarding smoking. I did not want her dying young or suffering serious health problems later in life. She agreed. She told me that she did not smoke at home. The exact location was not important to me; the agreement, as I understood it, was that she would only smoke on special occasions. I am not interested in keeping a scoreboard over who broke the promise more often. I also understand that nicotine addiction can be extremely difficult to overcome. Still, from my perspective, she broke the agreement more frequently. I first discovered that she had smoked in New York. I felt disappointed because we had only recently made the promise. I confronted her privately. She apologized, acknowledged the health risks, and assured me that she would not smoke again unless it was a special occasion. I accepted that and moved on. I later broke my own promise during the Ghost drama. Afterward, I apologized and held myself accountable. I wanted to honor the promise for her, for the relationship, and for myself. She smoked on National Goth Day. I let that go because I could reasonably consider it a special occasion, although I do not know whether she personally viewed it that way. She smoked again before leaving Berlin. I let that go as well because I believed we could discuss it later. Then I discovered through another clip that she had smoked while in Moldova. That frustrated me more. I kept asking myself why I had to discover these things through clips instead of hearing them directly from her. Later, her audience claimed that I had started drinking again. At that point, I had not consumed alcohol for approximately a month. She appeared to believe what they were saying, so I confronted the claim in her stream chat. That was a dumb place to do it. I admit that. However, I was not going to allow people to convince her of something that was not true without correcting it. I asked her to have a private conversation with me because the audience did not need to know about our personal issues. Frazzle As I said earlier, she streamed with Frazzle for several days. I was busy with my own life and had not watched everything that happened. Then, on a Friday morning, someone sent me a clip of Frazzle claiming that he and Vimp had slept together. I was furious, but I also knew better than to immediately believe a clip or someone else's claim. I asked her directly whether it was true. I received no answer. She was busy with Supercon, but by that point, I knew the conversation we needed to have could not continue being delayed. Later, after private messages were leaked by the person who eventually exposed her, what I saw convinced me that the claim in that clip had been true. That was the point where I stopped viewing it as just a rumor and accepted that I had been cheated on. The two weeks I mentioned this on my last stream because it was the source of much of my annoyance and anger. For approximately two weeks, I tried to arrange a private conversation with her. I canceled plans so that I could be available from Thursday into Friday, although those original plans ended up being canceled anyway. The first date we chose did not work because of the time difference between Moldova and Wisconsin. After she returned home, we agreed to speak on Thursday. I went to work, came home, and asked when she would be available so that I could confirm the plans had not changed. I waited for hours. She did not respond until approximately 11:00 p.m. We spoke briefly, but when I asked whether we could have the conversation that night or reschedule it, she disappeared again. The next morning, I received Frazzle’s claim. I confronted her through text. Later that night, at around 11:00 p.m., I attempted to call her. The call ended after two rings. She told me she was leaving the convention and that the rain was making things difficult. I attempted to call again on Saturday. Once again, the call ended after two rings. I received no follow-up message. Sometime on Tuesday, I told her that I was done chasing the conversation. I still wanted to have it, but I could not continue being the only person making an effort. I needed her to meet me halfway. I received no response. The conversation was mainly supposed to be about our promise, the growing distance between us, the claim involving Frazzle, and the status of our relationship. I did not want a public spectacle. I wanted an honest private conversation. I never received one. Final thoughts Based on what I have since seen and been told, I believe she was speaking with one or possibly multiple people behind my back. I also learned that she had said negative things about me to another person—the same person who later wanted to expose her. I cannot verify every claim made by every person involved. However, what I have seen was enough for me to conclude that I cannot continue the relationship or maintain contact with her. It hurts. It fucking hurts. I would have done almost anything just to see her happy or hear her laugh. I would have walked around the world for her. Instead, it feels as though I placed my heart in her hands and eventually watched it get thrown onto the ground. I do not understand cheating. I do not understand sneaking around rather than simply ending a relationship honestly. I especially do not understand refusing to have a direct conversation while the other person is trying for weeks to understand what is happening. I am not asking for sympathy, empathy, advice, or “I told you so” comments. I would rather be left alone to process this and move forward. I will no longer associate with her, and I do not want any further contact with her. Part of me feels as though I should hate her. I do not. I cannot completely explain why. However, not hating her does not excuse what happened, and it does not mean I will forgive it. I suppose this is a learning experience. Right now, I feel upset, depressed, and numb. Oddly, I also feel relieved. I no longer have to endlessly question what was happening between us. The truth—or at least enough of it—is finally out in the open. Perhaps she avoided the conversation because she did not want me confronting her during the upcoming trip. I cannot know that for certain. What I do know is that it is time for me to move on and begin healing. Writing this, especially the final part, is one step in that process. To Vimp, if she ever reads this I do not hate you. However, I do not believe I can forgive you, remain friends with you, or pretend that nothing happened. Actually, I know that I cannot. I genuinely fucking loved you. I would have done almost anything to make you happy or put a smile on your face. At times, I now question whether you genuinely cared about me or whether I was useful because of the attention and limited amount of fame I still had. I do not know the full truth, and perhaps I never will. What I do know is that refusing to end things honestly was cowardly. You could have told me that your feelings had changed. You could have said that the relationship was not working. It would have hurt me, but I would eventually have accepted it. Instead, I spent weeks asking for one honest conversation while you avoided me. If you were already speaking to other people or had already decided it was over, you should have told me directly. Sneaking around hurts far more than the truth would have. You missed out on someone who genuinely cared about you. Like I said, I would have done everything within my power to see you smile. Apparently, that was not enough, or it was not what you wanted. So, Vlada, should you ever read this: I do not hate you, but I will not forgive what happened, and I do not want you in my life anymore. As stupid and contradictory as it may sound, part of me still loves you. Feelings do not disappear immediately simply because someone hurt you. Whatever you do next, I hope your future endeavors go well. This is where I leave you behind.