I planned my suicide in detail 2 weeks ago

I nearly killed myself 2 weeks ago.

Before I get into it I want to tell you I'm ok now. I am seeing a psychiatrist and therapist, have been on meds to help and have a great support network. I am.so grateful for all.of this. They are the reason I am here to tell my story.

The context of my personal history over the last two and a half years will explain the crisis that lead me to such a dark place.

In March of 2024, the small company I was working for did a layoff of my entire department. I'm in tech and if you know the job market you won't be surprised I was unemployed for just under a year despite applying for over 1,000 jobs with an objectively decent career. This was very hard on me and my family. It pushed my natural tendency for addiction to the point where I became a high-functioning alcoholic and a habitual cannabis user (never during work for either).

Two weeks short of a year out of work I get a call on a Thursday from a former boss asking if I want to work for them again. I jumped at the chance despite finally being a finalist for two better and higher-paying jobs. This boss was a long-time friend and mentor. He brought me in to fix some specific problems which I attacked with alacrity.

Things were going well. I had a good job working with people I liked. I went to the gym 3-4 mornings a week and was in the best shape of my life. Then I got an injury working out to the point where I was in constant pain. I had to stop going to the gym and start using alcohol and cannabis to treat the pain at night or I could not sleep. I visited multiple doctors and began attempting treatment with a pain specialist. The treatments did not work, so I continued my substance abuse.

Earlier this year, my siblings and I convinced my elderly parents it was time for them to consider moving to an assisted living facility, and clean out and sell their house after several incidents requiring an emergency call for help. The stress of this combined with my mother's mental illness and my father's infirmary and the onset of dementia greatly impacted my mental health and theirs. They fought with the movers. They fought with the staff. They made my life and that of my siblings miserable. The same month they moved in they decided to move back to their house. They fought with the staff. They fought with the movers.

Two months later I finally get a procedure that is supposed to relieve my chronic pain after two required tests and other failed treatments spanning months. The effect is supposed to take time to kick in within a given range. I exceed the range with no relief.

During these few months tensions between me and my boss and some of peers is growing. My opinion is the cause is that the team is woefully understaffed and one of my peers i depend on does not do his job but has the favor of the boss nonetheless. I ask the boss for a meeting specifically stating it was for his help with the growing tensions. On the day of the meeting I walk into his office and see he is already scowling. I barely get to say anything and he wasn't listening anyway. He proceeded to shit on me for an hour seemingly having thought about it for some time. Tensions continue. Abusive meetings continue. I get to the point of panic attacks and start missing work knowing bossman is likely already looking for my replacement. I was right. I was fired right after the company's best quarter with very positive metrics over which I had any influence and a #1 rating from an industry analyst for the second year in a row.

My alcohol abuse had become so bad where I was drinking 2-3 magnums of cheap bourbon every week for months. I thought i hit rock bottom. I asked for help and received it. I started medication but it takes a couple of weeks to take effect. The knowledge I was unemployed again made me sink deeper to the point where I planned my end and started executing the early parts of severing personal connections. I could not be left alone for several days.

I got so much support from my amazing family and friends I got through the worst of it. I feel like I'm starting to float back to the surface.

I completely understand my life is likely better and easier than most people. My point wasn't to seek sympathy but rather to say to others in distress to lean on your friends and family. They want to support you. Don't give up.