Rocky mother-daughter relationship

My mom and I have had a rocky relationship since I was 7, to the point where my dad acknowledges it. And he LOVES my mom. He said we’re just like oil and water, and he’s trying his best to bridge our gap. My dad and I have had our issues too, but he’s overall better. He’s just a man if you catch my drift. Doesn’t understand some things that are exclusive to growing up female, which can lead to arguments. As a female who has been diagnosed late with ADHD, I’ve always been a very emotional and eccentric child which was labeled as “too sensitive/dramatic”. My mother grew up in an unemotional environment. Her parents didn’t speak about emotions, and neither did my mother, and she’s says she likes it that way because she’s never been a very emotionally needy person. I’m on the other hand different due to my many sensitivities and struggles over the years. This led her to be not a great mom. She says she’s just not that kind of person. Not the person to have those talks or to even give compliments she says. She said that her parenting style conflicts with my “living style”. I learned a lot of things by myself and didn’t have much classic Gilmore Girls type mother daughter bonding. I got shaving and tampons, that’s at least something. I could never come to my mother for anything because she’d just stare at me and then say “okay”. She almost emulated a teenage mean girl at times as if my presence were burdening her. She was the ultimate introvert. We had one argument in particular when I was fourteen that showed me exactly how she feels about me. I’ve struggled with clinical depression for a while now, to the point where I began medicating at only twelve years old. I was at a low point one winter and was struggling to do my laundry. It bothered her when I did my laundry around 8-9 since she goes to bed early every night, but I only had the weekend to do my laundry and needed my sheets and clothes clean, so I always decided better late than never and to apologize and tell her I’m really really trying. She told me one night that she believed I’m doing it all just to purposefully disrespect her and that it’s because I don’t care about her feelings. I told her that that’s not true and that I’m just struggling with motivation and I need my laundry clean. She told me that she also believed that I’m only saying that to guilt her and in her words “manipulate her” so I could do whatever I wanted. I remember standing there in shock and asking her “do you really think that” in case she wanted to soften the blow. Instead she doubled down and said yes. I just left for my room, it didn’t go further luckily. Another notable time is what I refer to as “the milk incident”. My brother who was thirteen at the time, I was fifteen, left rotting milk under his bathroom sink. I found this under his sink as we shared a bathroom and the smell was overwhelming me, I have always been very sensory sensitive. I freaked out and told my mother and she immediately brushed it off telling me “oh well”. She refused to show me any sympathy and understanding as I was in shock about the congealed mess. I began to try and clean it myself and text my brother politely to please not do this again. He began to insult me, so I abandoned that because it’s not like mom cares. I brought the milk bottle downstairs to the sink to try and empty and recycle the glass bottle as we always did. I began to become very overstimulated by the texture and smell and broke down, retreating to the couch. I texted my mom crying that I couldn’t do it. She came stomping down the stairs and the first thing she said to me while I cried is “you know you’ve made the whole house smell like that now, right?”. Coming from the woman who called it no big deal. She began to angrily clean it and demand I go back upstairs, but I was frozen in upset and couldn’t leave the couch. I pled with her that it wasn’t my fault, but she yelled over me that it was. She told me it’s my fault because who would ever clean it like this, why didn’t I just flush it. Because I’d never cleaned this before! I told her I was trying to be good and she just kept yelling “it’s your fault” so since I was having a neurodivergent meltdown, I screamed at her “no no no” and to shut the fuck up before finally gaining the power in my legs to run upstairs. These two moments linger with me forever as she tries to masquerade a regular relationship to strangers.

I’m heading off to college soon, and people are beginning to ask about how things are gonna be with my mom once I’m gone. Frankly, I don’t know. When she comes and asks me, “you know it’s because I love you, right?” I don’t lie to her. I don’t exactly feel the love radiating. Looking for community here as someone who wasn’t hit (more than once) or screamed at. Just accused of being a manipulator and bad and some kind of purposeful villain as a kid.

Edit: I’m shaking just from writing that.