I’m feeling some regret

I posted a little while ago about going back to see my rapists. While initially it made me feel better, lately I’ve been feeling pretty shitty. It’s been a pretty big self esteem hit, because I’ve kind of been seeing myself as an object I guess.

I’ve just started into a relationship with a guy I’ve known for a while, and I feel like I wasn’t taking myself seriously before from doing this and now feel kind of “ruined”. He talks about how sweet I am and it just makes me feel shitty because he’d probably break up with me if he knew.

I got some pretty good support before so that’s why I’m posting now. What’s worse, when I masturbate or have sex with him, I often find my mind making its way back to that incident. To make matters worse, I did meet up with the two men during the early parts of dating my boyfriend and that obviously makes me feel awful. I’m worried im going to want it again.

Edit for clarity: I’m not seeing my rapists anymore.