27M 29F

Sorry long post

My partner 27M and 29F been together 2 years

We have a year and half year old son and since becoming parents our relationship has slowly fallen apart. We seem to have the same conversation over and over again. I feel emotionally alone and like I just need compassion, reassurance and to feel understood when I'm struggling. He feels like I'm never happy, nothing is ever good enough, and he's exhausted by the constant conflict. He says he just wants me to be happy, while I feel like he hears my hurt as criticism instead of seeing the emotion underneath it. We both end up feeling unseen, misunderstood and eventually shut down, and then the cycle repeats.

A major issue for me is his c0ke use. Recently while I was out for a few hours, he used it while our toddler was asleep in the house. He doesn't see why I think that's a serious issue because our son was asleep and he felt he was still aware, whereas I see it as completely different and something I can't accept as a parent.

He knows he has issues regarding it, and he has agreed to get counselling, but most of our conversations we are just constantly triggered, what the other is going to say, what mood I will be in will determine what he will say it’s like my nervous system braces what the default will be.

Both loyal, none of us have cheated or done anything like that, that is not one problem which is a good thing but just the constant head butting and going no where.

On top of that we've had months of stress with our son being unwell for a month, financial pressure and everything else life throws at you. I also know I have anxious attachment/codependent tendencies that I'm actively trying to work on, and I know I'm not perfect either.

When we usually try and talk it goes no where and one person shuts off and says I’m done with it all, then we are fine a day later. We still love each other but it’s the connection that’s gone and the natural flow of what an easy loving relationship should be like.

I wonder if we're just two exhausted people stuck in a destructive cycle, or whether we're simply too different now.

Has anyone been in a similar situation after having a baby? Did counselling or making changes actually help, especially where one partner felt emotionally neglected and the other felt constantly criticised? I'm looking for honest experiences from people who've been through something similar