im not sure how much longer i got

21f here. been depressed for years now & on & off suicidal. i moved out few months ago but quit my job a month after. why? i was dealing with harassment. a stupid mistake costed me everything. i have bad social anxiety so i decided to quit. everyday i walked in there i had this throw up feeling. like im being watched, laughed at. i was. the person spread false rumors about me. i told the boss nothing was did. no one did anything. i dont blame anyone but myself. i am not struggling & about to be evicted. it hasnt hit me yet, havent even cried. because im tired. i wanted to better my life. but i keep making the same mistakes. i deserve everything bad that has happened to me. im weak & pathetic. a sorry excuse. im not sure when itll hit me or when ill decide to finally give up. i guess before they tell me how long i got to pack up ill just do it. i had the rope for months, maybe almost a year now. i feel deeply sorry for my family they dont deserve this. they also dont deserve to deal with a person like me.