i just want to feel heard.

Content warning: child abuse, alcoholism, inappropriate touching, family trauma.

My father is extremely abusive and verbally abuses me (my parents are divorced though). He’s an alcoholic and since I am the oldest of my siblings, I am often targeted. He’s drunk drove with my younger sister (after I warned my GAL about his alcohol usage) and had a car crash and abandoned my sister in the car. There was also a time where he put his hand inappropriately on my thigh, and when I told people I was supposed to tell, they didn’t believe me + didn’t take me seriously. My dad still works at my high school.

My mom is a very lovely and strong woman, but she hasn’t given her time to recover from everything and she overwhelms her with scholarships. Sometimes it feels like my mom is rushing to fix another problem instead of sitting with me in the moment. I have tried my best to tell her thoughtfully, but she thinks I am saying she’s not enough, so we get into arguments about that. I also have seen her text my sister a lot more than me and talk to my siblings more than me, so, I often think I’m not a big priority for her.

I was a part of a big friend group, too. When I told them this, one girl named Daniela (fake name) would tell me that I  was overreacting and that Daniela has more of a right to be upset than me. For example, when I talked about how I  was upset that I had no say in the custody, Daniela said that I was overreacting and should be grateful because Daniela’s parents aren’t divorced and fight a lot. Daniela also said that my dad “couldn’t be that bad” because he “seemed nice”. Daniela also started to physically push me to the ground and pull me down. I told a few of the friends in that group that I was upset that Daniela was acting kind of competitive and hurt me multiple times (physically + emotionally) and I was upset that Daniela was acting like this. They noticed the behavior but didn’t choose to support me or stand up for me when I needed it the most. I dropped this entire group of friends respectfully by texting that I felt like being a part of the group took a lot of energy out of me. A few people leaked the texts to Daniela and Daniela deemed it as talking bad when I just wanted to talk about it to someone, not tarnish her reputation. I made new friends this year but those friends are friends with her ex-friend group, which is painful for me because I told them what happened. I only really have those two friends and I don’t think they like me as much.

I just feel so alone all the time. I try so hard to be good and it feels like no one sees me trying. I really only have myself at this point and it gets so unbelievably lonely. I hadn’t had any support these past few years and I feel like people just expect me to be ok and bounce back while I’m still getting hurt at home. I don’t feel important enough for others. I just want to feel comforted for once.