Husband became emotionally distant during my pregnancy - looking for hope or success stories

Hi everyone,

I’ve been reading posts here for a while and finally decided to write my own because I’m feeling really lost.

I’m currently heavily pregnant (nearly 8 months) with our second child and me and my husband have been married for a year, together for just over 4 years. Until a couple of months ago, I genuinely believed my husband and I had a wonderful marriage. We were best friends, very affectionate, laughed together all the time and I never doubted that he loved me.

Then, almost overnight, he sat me down and told me he wasn’t happy.

Since then he’s described feeling like he’s lost interest in things he used to enjoy, feeling disconnected, questioning everything and not really understanding what’s going on in his own head. He has also said he still loves me, but he’s confused about his feelings. He isn’t having an affair (as far as I know and genuinely don’t believe he is), and there wasn’t one obvious event that caused this.

He’s in the military, and around the time this happened there were a lot of possible stressors all at once. He’d been staying at camp a lot because of early morning/late evening work commitments, we were about to move house, we have a toddler, another baby on the way, and he also had a fall from his horse just a few days before everything seemed to change. I don’t know whether that fall was significant or just a coincidence, but the timing has always stood out to me, and I think to him as well.

Looking back, I can see there was probably more stress building than either of us realised.

The hardest part is the uncertainty.

He’s still involved with family life to an extent. He comes home to spend time with our daughter, says he loves me, helps practically when he is home and some days he seems much more like himself - he’ll tell me stories from work, laugh and talk about the future. Other days he feels emotionally miles away. It’s like the man I married is there, but behind a fog.

At the moment he’s still staying at camp during the week and comes home at weekends, so we’re trying to navigate all of this while not even spending much time together. I can’t work out whether the space is helping him or just making us drift further apart.

I’m trying so hard not to pressure him because I don’t want him making life-changing decisions while he’s feeling like this. At the same time, I’m heartbroken. I feel like I’m grieving someone who’s still here.

I’m also struggling because I’m pregnant and this should be such a happy time. Instead I’m lying awake every night wondering whether my marriage is ending.

To add some balance, there are also things that make me wonder if this really is depression rather than him simply wanting to leave. He has spoken to the regimental padre about how he’s feeling and has been open to getting support from him. He’s still involved in family life and parenting to an extent, still says he loves me, and we’re continuing to make decisions together about finances and practical things. For example, he’ll still discuss purchases with me before using our credit card, asks my opinion on family decisions and we still work together as a team in many practical ways. It’s the emotional and romantic connection that seems to have disappeared, rather than him walking away from his responsibilities.

I suppose what I really want to ask is…

Has anyone else’s partner gone through depression (or what turned out to be depression) during pregnancy or around becoming a parent?
Did they genuinely come back emotionally?
If your partner asked for space, did it help?
How long did it take before you started seeing improvement?
Was there anything you did that helped, or was it something they had to work through themselves?
Did your relationship recover and become close again?

I’m not looking for false hope. I know every situation is different. I think I just really need to hear from people who have actually come through the other side because, at the moment, it feels impossible to imagine.

I’m also happy to hear from anyone who was the depressed partner themselves. If you experienced something similar and came through it, I’d really value hearing what was going through your mind at the time and what helped you reconnect with your spouse.

Thank you for reading.