Aspiring sub needs advice on conflicted feelings

Hi, 28f here. I've been interested in dom/sub dynamics sexually for quite a while and had some experiences that came close to that, but never properly or in a healthy way.

I'm anxious in general and I've got a really hard time getting out of my own head, so the idea of someone pulling me out of it, make the decisions for me, of not having to think, of being manhandled, of being taken care of, of being good by following someone's lead, etc. is very appealing (I fantasize about it a lot) but when I think of it actually happening in real life with a man, something in me recoils. The fantasy feels nice, the idea of the reality of it feels threatening. I know I want that kind of sexual dynamic and I want to explore more, but something in me is also horribly scared and almost dreadful. Imagining talking about it with a man I don't know yet feels almost repulsive, but the issue is that before knowing someone, well... you don't know them. I also know that I feel conflicted when a man I like expresses desire towards me: I feel validation from it but at the same time I kinda freeze? It fills me with some kind of dread, even if I was flirting beforehand. It's kind of the same with (vanilla) sex now, I feel rather out of it or even sadness during it for no apparent reason. When I'm fantasizing about sex I don't feel distant or bad, but when it actually happens in real life with someone I feel a bit away/empty (not in a good way) and not in the moment; afterwards I feel kinda melancholic even if the guy is caring. It's a bit weird.

I struggle to understand these feelings and they're so pervasive that I feel like it's something I would have to talk about right away if I meet someone, but I also feel like it's a lot to bring up to someone new. So I end up contemplating and fantasizing a lot on doing something about my desires for a dom/sub dynamic but actually doing nothing about it because all these feelings come up and it just seems too complicated. Like I'm convinced I'm already too difficult even before the relationship starts so no one would ever want me so why bother. I'm pretty sure it all comes down to emotional/relationship trauma and me being scared of vulnerability... I'm sorry if this is just words vomit, I hope it makes some sense.

Has anyone ever experienced this, or been with someone similar? Some reassurance or advice would be very welcomed !