I always thought I could be a femboy, but it turned out I was uglier than I thought

Over the past year, I’ve been gradually building up my wardrobe and had at least some basic makeup: mascara, tweezing my eyebrows at home, and an IPL device at home. But all of this was hard to get when my mom would complain about my new purchases or ask questions about them. But as it turned out, even that doesn't help, as far as I can tell. I got confused about my identity. I used to draw pixel art of myself as a femboy as a self-portrait, and I was already imagining what kind of pixel art I would draw for my future tracks with myself in them. But it turned out that my self-portrait doesn't match my real self. And if I have to redraw and rethink my identity and my art, I don't even know what they will look like. I don't even know who I can be then, what my identity is, if I now don't know who I am, if I can't be a femboy. I can't even picture myself anymore. It feels like my hobby is over, and I see no point in life.

Honestly, I was happier and actually loved myself, unlike back when I wasn't even thinking about being a femboy and disliked who I was. But now, thinking that I can't be one, it feels like I've slid right back to where I started, only worse.

I don't even have friends because I isolated myself in this small town after moving around, and because of that, I don't have online friends either. So I'm hoping for maybe some advice from you, if possible? I've been feeling deeply lost in my life lately and I don't know what I'm doing, it feels like I'm losing my mind