I got myself in a big trouble

I am a 20 year old man addicted to masturbation since childhood. I watched my first porn at age 12 and have tried many times to quit but always fail.

My current struggle: I reconnected with a girl I used to have feelings for. We talked, emotions got intense, and we both said we love each other. But right after I relapsed, all my feelings completely disappeared and I felt nothing.

I've noticed a clear pattern: when my hormones are high, I feel strong emotions and want connection. Right after relapsing, everything goes cold and I want to be alone.

I'm realizing my addiction is controlling my emotions and I can't tell what's real anymore. I'm scared of hurting someone who genuinely cares about me.

Has anyone experienced this emotional pattern? Any advice on breaking the cycle?"