I hate purity culture so much

I was raised by a mother who was DEEPLY into purity culture.

When I was 8 I remember her trying to teach me that it was evil to "touch myself" with zero context as she didn't want me to know WHAT masturbation was. She also told me about the story of a young girl who was murdered after a man tried to rape her (again zero context as to WHAT RAPE WAS) One thing she made sure I knew, that my "purity" was sacred and only to be given to my husband and that it would be better in the eyes of GOD that I die trying to protect my purity than "let" myself be raped.

My mother chose to homeschool me and, outside of church or home, I was not allowed to be out of her sight.

At 21 I was finally "allowed" to get a job and be out of the house. This is how I got to actually have alone time with a guy for the first time.

We had kinda fooled around for a while but I was always reminding him that I was "Saving myself for marriage" whenever he wanted to do anything.

It happened a month after we started hanging out. I remember begging him to stop and saying no over and over. He eventually stopped because I yelped and he thought he had "hurt me" (such a gentleman)

I was so horrified when I pulled down my underwear later and saw i the blood. It was real and I felt ruined, like I had lost all value.

My hymen, my gift to my future husband, was gone, broken. I was worthless, nothing. I had betrayed God. Noone could love me now.

I blamed myself, I had chosen to be alone with a man after all. Even if though I was clothed I still must have teased him. I was my fault I was hurt. I was responsible for protecting my virginity.

I couldn't handle the pain or the guilt.

5 days later, I tried to kill myself.

After my attempt I was unable to call it what it was for weeks.

It wasn't until I went to confession and told the priest my "sin" that it would be called what it was.

Ironically, after a lifetime of purity culture, it was my parish priest who told me that it wasn't my fault, that my "virginity" has nothing to do with my worth, and that no one can take my inherent value from me.

He cried for me, he tried to help me find I therapist, but I was so afraid of anyone finding out I refused.

I am still haunted by everything purity culture ingrained into me. I almost ended everything thanks to it.

I am sorry for the rant I just needed to get everything off my chest.

I hate purity culture so much