Im a wreck

I tired so hard to hold back my grief but I can’t anymore. I lost one of my twins in June. I want to be solid for his brother and my oldest but i cant keep the mask up anymore. I go over his videos and he was just here… and now hes gone. Almost every time i hold his brother i start to cry. I just moved and can’t unpack. I just lay here and fed and change the baby and cry.