I don't believe in myself anymore (did I ever? I think so)

Not really looking for advice, just venting. The negative thoughts are very loud lately. I know it's because it's been a stressful time, that often results in a period of anxiety and depression for me. I should probably think about going back to therapy.

Obligatory 'I am diagnosed', but not on meds because unfortunately they didn't do anything for me (no desired nor adverse effects, zero, zip, nada)...

I wrote the below today, which I guess I could/should view as a win, because normally I can't put pen to paper to save my life. I don't know why, but I had the urge to share, so here it is. Just hoping I'm not alone I guess.

There is so much I want to do.

There are books I want to read, things I want to learn, art I want to create, day trips I want to take, places I want to travel to.

I want to have my home in order. I want to take good care of myself, eat healthy, get enough sleep, workout, get fit and flexible. I want to look put together, wear clothes I like, do my hair and some makeup. Be consistent with skin care.

But I do nothing.

I stay home, watching Netflix and scrolling on my phone, and the hours just slip away.

I never feel motivated, inspired, or energetic.

And I'm tired. Tired of myself. Tired of being this way.

I'm tired of the overthinking, the hundreds of thoughts racing through my mind every day, the procrastination, being angry with myself, being disappointed in myself, the negativity, believing I can't do it anyway.

I'm tired of all the failed attempts to finally make something of myself, the abandoned systems, the hundreds of half-filled notebooks that remind me of so many of those attempts and plans.

Why am I like this? I'm 40 in 6 weeks. I haven't achieved anything noteworthy, none of my goals and dreams. I'm intelligent. I shouldn't be any less capable than other people. So why can't I just be someone who gets things done?

I can't be hopeful, positive, and optimistic anymore, because I don't believe it anymore. I don't believe I can do it. I can't believe that this time will be different, not anymore.

I just... don't believe in myself.