Bipolar II is hell on earth

Right now I'm in another depressive episode. It's been about two months since it started but lately I feel like I can't bear it anymore. I get them about once a year and so far they've lasted between a few months to an entire year. To be honest I'm so fucking scared that I won't get over this soon. I don't think I can stand this for much longer.

I have three jobs, I show up to them on time, I do my work, I don't complain. But lately there's been something so wrong with me that other employees have gone to my managers to say, "I don't think she can handle this." Fuck what I can handle—I need to pay my rent. I wish they would shut the fuck up. But at the same time I can't blame them. I can barely force a smile. I come off as rude. I'm sure that my low mood depresses my coworkers and makes working with me harder than it would be if I wasn't there.

I wish I could explain what was going on with me without losing my job, but I know that if I tell anyone what I'm struggling with they would realize that I'm a liability. And I'm not always like this. I cling onto the hope that a few months from now I'll be back to normal. Then I can do my job properly. But it might be a long few months.

I remember back in January I tried to write something about being depressed and I simply couldn't, because I couldn't even remember what it felt like. At the same time, I was so popular. Everyone was inviting me out, everyone wanted to be near me. I was going out all the time and having fun. I was hypomanic—being a party girl & doing drugs, but without losing my mind. People were worried about me but I truly believe they had no reason to.

Why why why were they worried about me then? Why don't they worry about me now? Whenever I'm alone I can't help myself from crying for hours and hours until I fall asleep. It's so exhausting but I physically can't stop. There's a part of me that wishes they would reach out but deep down I know truthfully that there's nothing anyone could do to help me. And I really don't want anyone to see me like this. I just have to cling onto the hope that a few months from now this will all be a nightmare from the past. Then I can get a few months reprieve before my next episode.

But fuck. I'm so miserable right now that I can't even recognize myself. I think that's the worst thing about it—I can't relate to the "normal" version of myself at all. And that's the version of myself everyone expects me to be, and I want them to keep loving me, but I can't remember how to be her. I am completely incapable of confidence. I can't be charismatic or witty. And I can't stand to be near anyone. Whenever people come close to me I want to scream and rip my hair out, even though I hate being alone. I want to lock myself in my apartment and never leave. If I didn't need to make money then I gladly would.

I'm hopeful for the day that my future self sees this post and deletes it out of fear of killing my cred and scaring the hoes. Lol. I just have to remind myself that I will be there soon. Because I can't live being like this forever.