its not getting better

im tired of living with moral scrupulosity, POCD and real-event OCD. Everything i say or do, past or present, trigger never ending rumination. i overthink everything ive ever said and every thought ive ever had. im so scared ive unintentionally harmed people with an edgy joke as a teenager or actions as a child. ive been endlessly ruminating for over a year and i cant let myself enjoy anything in life anymore. i started drinking as smoking excessively because the thought of being immoral or a bad person eats at me every single day. i want to be able to live and forgive myself but i cant seem to do it, even with therapy and meds.

i work in childcare with POCD and it makes it near impossible to work because of the intrusive thoughts that plague my mind everyday. i overthink every interaction i have with a child. i have a fear of harming children and it makes me spiral everyday. one instance i hate myself over is when i pecked a little baby on the cheek because i thought he was cute but in my mind im a dangerous ”predator” who took advantage. im so scared of these thoughts. i love these children and i want to do right by them and im scared that im unintentionally harming them just by being close to them. im a victim of child sexual assault and i fear i will become like my perpetrator. i even thought about quitting my job even though i love it because the guilt of being a bad person is eating me alive.

if im not ruminating about my job im thinking about every edgy or offensive joke or thing i said as a teenager. i have outgrown this phase and learned to be better but i cant shake off the guilt and shame. i constantly feel ashamed and disgusted with myself its getting harder to live. i dont know what to do anymore. i cant see myself as a good person anymore.