Traumatic childhood

Hi.

This is the first time I'm opening up about my sensitive topic

I always pretend that I'm okay, strong, and capable of handling everything maturely and practically. But over the past year, ever since I started preparing for CA Foundation, I've been feeling emotionally overwhelmed and numb.

I'm 19 now, and I don't know if this is because I'm growing up or because I've finally started processing my past. Since I began preparing for CA Foundation in 2025, memories from my childhood have started haunting me again and again.

When I was around three or four years old, I was sexually harassed by my mother's boss. Then, when I was about six or seven, one of my female relatives tried to touch me inappropriately while I was sleeping. I woke up during it, but even today I'm not sure whether it really happened or if it was just a dream. That uncertainty itself keeps bothering me.

From the age of four to ten, I lived with my grandparents because my parents left me there while they worked. My father had remarried, and I have a step-sister whose mother had passed away. Everyone always gave her more love, attention, and importance than me.

People in my village constantly teased me, saying that my parents had abandoned me because they didn't want me and wanted to enjoy their own lives. Those words hurt me deeply. My grandparents often made me believe the same thing, even though my parents were actually sending money for my upbringing.

My uncle bullied and humiliated me constantly. One incident I can never forget is when I lost ₹5 while going to buy snacks. Instead of understanding that I was just a child, he forced me to go back alone in the dark to search for it. He mocked me, insulted me, and made me feel worthless over just ₹5. Incidents like this happened many times. My step-sister and others would laugh, while only my grandmother sometimes stood up for me.

When I returned to live with my parents in 6th, it took me years to feel comfortable with them because I still felt abandoned. Later, when my step-sister came back to live with us, the same discrimination continued. She always received more love, better clothes, and more attention.

I still remember one incident when my sister and I argued over something in the kitchen. My mother threw hot oil at my face instead of hers. Moments like that made me feel like I was never the priority.

Things are different now. My family has changed a lot, they're more understanding, and my sister is now married. On the outside, everything seems fine.

But over the past year, while preparing for CA Foundation, all these childhood memories have resurfaced. At the same time, I've gone through several friendship breakups and betrayals. People I trusted hurt me, shared my private conversations, and left me when I needed them the most.

I've always been a hardworking student. Since childhood, I've consistently scored well and ranked among the top students. But now, I can't focus on my studies no matter how hard I try. I'm preparing for my third attempt at CA Foundation, my exams are only 30 days away, and instead of studying, I keep reliving my past.

I'm mentally exhausted, emotionally drained, and I feel completely stuck.